RFK Jr's Aspirations to be Fictional Health Secretary

 Dear Dingo: 

Thoughts on RFK Jr and his aspirations to lead Trumps Health department?

Answer:

RFK is not boring. After all, he speaks fluent raven and dines on road kill. All admirable traits. But his fantastical belief that he will actually change anything about American health habits under Trumpet, are the delusional musings of his brain worm.

Anti-vaxx crap aside, RFK is correct--autoimmune diseases, autism, & obesity need to be front and center of US health policy. What's bananas is, RFK knows the reasons behind chronic disease already!--An F'd up food system promoting sugar and processed foods engulfed in pesticide residue. Farm animals jacked up on antibiotics and soils destroyed via herbicides. 

How on earth will working in an administration run by an obese man addicted to happy meals (all while burning down the EPA) going to solve that? Shame on the brain worm.

Why Your Venus Fly Trap Keeps Dying

Dear Dingo:

I purchased a cute little Venus fly trap plant at the Home Depot. It is a sad piece of vegetation, kind of dead and droopy, yet the instructions simply state to keep moist. What gives?

Answer:

Unfortunately, these small plastic boxes containing carnivorous greenery are a scam put out by Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Trader Joe's and other proprietors of trendy plants. The instructions completely fail to mention the Venus fly traps true needs--in effect, that it is an aquatic plant plucked from its native wetlands of North and South Carolina!

Thus, it is your job to attempt replication of Southern goodness. To help your bug sucking plant survive-- find a pond, water feature, or even large bird bath. Note--weather must be warm! Place the poor thing in shallow, murky water and let it suck up natural sun light. It will recover, and find its own food to boot! 

But alas, after balmy summer weather the Venus requires a winter dormancy period. In milder climates this simply means continuing to live outdoors. Otherwise Google dormancy tips for your particular area, ensuring your little guys survival. Good luck!🌿

Kristi Noem, meet Craigslist

To the fearless defender of South Dakotan values, world traveler and dictator dabbler, may I introduce a radical idea? It's called Craigslist. My sources indicate this site is alive and well-- even in the remote enclave known as South Dakota.

Whenever you have an animal, lets say a purebred young dog with a high prey drive, what you do is: go to the community section, click pets and for free--(that's right!)-- for free, post a description of your so-called devil dog and just wait for some soft soul to drive up to your ranch and take the offending pup off your hands.

Admittedly, this will not make fascinating fodder for your future novels, but it is quite an effective way to keep your family "safe" from whatever perceived danger your paranoid brain conjures. (Fun fact--safety is what gun control supporters want for their families too!) And to the best of my knowledge, no wire-haired pointers (or any other canines for that matter) have ever been implicated in a school shooting.

And lastly, back in my day, if a child or anyone else got bitten by a dog--the first thing mom would say was: "well what did you do to the dog to make him bite you?"

 

Big Bear Eagles and Broody Chickens

Like so many other anxious humans, seeking a cheery distraction from endless doomscrolling, the mortal in my home tuned into the beautiful Big Bear Eagle cam.

How peaceful the scenery! How devoted the birds! The gorgeous eagle pair braving hurricane force winds and snow, lovingly alternating shifts to tenderly brood their clutch of eaglet eggs.

But then alas, human watchers from all over the world realized: it was not going to happen! The anticipated hatching was moot. Apparently some distressed eagle watchers even lashed out in anger and grief. How did this expected happy event become a sham, a tearjerker? 

I would hypothesize, one of the reasons this lack of hatching is so emotional, could be a sense of mourning. Perhaps we worry that the eagles, like human watchers, will be engulfed in grief?

As eagles are birds--the one comforting thought to remember is that unlike humans, birds broody behavior is driven mostly by hormones. Male and female birds produce prolactin. (Humans do too--for milk production) But in birds it signals: must sit on nest! Our own silkie chickens can attest to this. They are smart birds, but prolactin makes them wacky--launching  into mindless brooding machines, trying to hatch balls, rocks, an empty nest! All they think is: must, sit. on. nest! I have had silkies starve themselves refusing to get off an empty nest!

With that in mind, it's important not to overly anthropomorphize the bald eagles. Their hormone levels will drop, they won't overly analyze the event or need therapy. Instead, be ready to optimistically try again next year, when the sun starts shining and hormones awaken again 😊

Greetings From the Department of Worm Meat

Dear Dingo:

I was visiting Washington DC and noticed how incredibly seriously the humanoids take themselves. Everyone rushing off to everything else, because they are so very busy, so very important and so very well dressed to impress. Why are they racing to the grave?

Answer: 

Peacocking, status seeking and basically trying to avoid thinking about the unpleasant fact  that with 7.8 billion people on earth, most everyone is a forgettable nothingburger. Destined to eventually become worm meat like any ordinary pauper, plant or piggy.

Here's a test: list from memory how many dead people you can actually recall, let alone name their accomplishments. At most this will be around 100.

Divide 100 by 7.8 billion other humans--and that is the probability that anyone will remember how important you were. Except maybe the red worm feasting on your noggin. 

So rest assured--to the worm, you will be very important :)

Things You Are Doing That Are Totally Lemming

After some careful canine centered research, I've sniffed out some ludicrous lemming fads. Just stop and think: "Do I even like this?"

1) Gray luxury vinyl flooring.  This is a twofer. Adding the word "luxury" doesn't make anything fancy. You can't have a luxury 1997 Honda Civic, nor a Luxury Twinkie. Even worse is the color GRAY. Oy vey. Nobody likes gray. Do people travel to gray, rainy climates? No. Didn't the whole Soviet Union with their ubiquitous gray everything come crashing down? Yes.

2) Lip Fillers. When did looking like a cod fish become sexy? There is no way in heck this looks remotely natural. Or is that the point? Look at me, I can afford weird ass lips?

3) In and Out French Fries. Lines, lines, long as lines. Everyone waiting for their In and Out Burger. The burgers are fine, but let's be honest-- the most soggy, flavorless fries OUT there.

 

 

The Dog Dumpers and Dog Breedism

  Many moons ago, as a youngish bitch, I found myself at the dreaded dog pound-- a hairs away from evil euthanasia. As luck would have it, I escaped my fate, making me a damn good authority on canines awaiting rescue, don't ya think?🐾

My primary pet peeve? Humans are freakin breedists. They think they want a certain "breed" of dog-- because it looks 'cute'. Think: what is a breed? A pure bred is a canine animal being forcefully mated to continue a line of genetic mutations. Enter the prolific puppy mills, selling their wares to unsuspecting fools, who tire of the gangly beasts, dumping them at the shelter.

A quick search on Petfinder, and the most dumped dogs are:

 (Not bashing these breeds! But for biscuits sake--do your research before paying some unethical breeder--and support the shelter dogs instead!) 

Pitbulls--who in their right mind is still breeding prolific pit bulls? Calling them stafford terriers doesn't change anything. Shelters are bursting, just bursting with pit mixes.

German Shepherds--Just ask Biden. These loyal watchdogs are big and maybe, occasionally bite. No biggie, just being protective. Don't get a GS puppy if you don't want a large guard dog!

Siberian Husky-- The blue eyed beauty, who can resist a husky pup? You can. If you can't handle a dog that is going to jump your fence and run away, don't buy a friggin husky!

Generic Lab mix- Goofy, slightly stinky, and ubiquitous. Once they grow into 70 pound dorks scarfing down dog food, people lose interest. But remember--a mixed mutt is ALWAYS healthier, with less issues than a puppy mill purebred, disgustingly forced to mate his sister.

Chihuahua- Small, cute dog selling tacos at Taco Bell. What's not to love? Well think tiny German Shepherd with a big attitude, the cliche of the ankle biter world. 

You may think you're not buying your puppy from a puppy mill, but dog crooks are sneaky. Google the term "Amish golden doodle puppy mills" if you want some eye opening literature. Vets are all too complicit in the pure bred venture scam, as they totally know certain "breeds", (like golden retrievers, poodles) are just riddled with expensive, genetic health problems.

Seek out mixed dogs for hybrid vigor and support rescue. Goodnight! Woof and a howl 🐶!