Better Buy a Hovercraft

Dear Dingo:
How is it that the our presidential turnip can get away with calling a free press, especially those news outlets run by educated and award winning journalists-- as "fake". The last time I checked the dictionary, "fake" meant a forgery or hoax. The 'Onion' could be considered fake, but not CBS or the NY Times. Why isn't the entire nation outraged?

Answer:
Yes, yes-- up until very recently, the term "fake" was easy to determine, as in: "hungry babies agree -- silicone breasts are indeed fake as these vesicles are unable to facilitate lactation".

Now "fake news" is an extremely confusing topic. Let's look at the "fake" and "failing" NY Times as an example:
A recent "fake news" headline suggests the Tappan Zee Bridge has been reconstructed and set to open soon.
Now, as a reader of NYT "fake news", does one simply assume that there is in fact, no bridge, and this event is not happening? Has the article been written in jest as a piece of satire? Will your car fall into the Hudson? Yes, a very confusing time indeed.

"Real news"  apparently consists of unpresidented tweets, where one is to assume that the word "too" is now to be spelled as the word "to", and vice versa. With these confusing developments, there is simply not enough time in the day for national outrage. We must instead rewrite grammar books and map out new travel routes, avoiding those dastardly imaginary bridges invented by the fake NY Times. 

Conservatives Are Closet Evolutionists

Dear Dingo:
I recently read a crime story, that was unfortunately committed by a homosexual man. Out of curiosity, I scrolled to the 'comments' section. Instead of discussing the crime, the internet trolls could not stop themselves from commenting how the criminal was obviously: "a Clinton voter, typical sick liberal, etc.."
For the life of me, I can not understand what one isolated crime has to do with painting all liberals as crazy lunatics?

Answer:

Let me explain, by telling you about the crow. This glorious black bird lives in a complex society, made up mostly of extended family and friends. When one crow appears injured or just plain different, the other crows attack and kill it. They feel that the "different crow" will bring down their group and it must be eliminated. It is a simple animal urge, stemming from a struggle for daily existence and survival of their species.

Now replace the word "crow" with 'conservative'. Conservative creatures feel the weak, poor, new and 'different' must be hated and systematically destroyed. Especially the "weird" liberals and refugees. A conservative society consists only of strong, white and confident heterosexuals--the others require a good pecking.

This brings us to the true diabolical reason conservatives do not want schools teaching Darwin's theories. Their stinky think tanks don't believe in Creationism one bit. But they do know if kiddos figure out that conservative policy is nothing more than the same social engineering performed by apes, chickens and crows, their "great America" gig is up. After all,  if a crow and chicken is all it takes to write conservative legislation, they all will be out of their jobs...

Meet your future senator.

How to Embrace Alternate Reality

Dearest Dingo:
The Orange madman leading our nation, only reads so called surveys and stats that please him, even if they are completely untrue. Not enough politicians seems to care that this fat emperor is wearing no clothes--many keep agreeing with his fantasy world!
 What should I make of this kind of nonsense without going completely mad ??

Dear Human:
When in Rome...
Embrace the fact that we will be living in la-la land for the next few years.
Here is your chance to live out any childhood fantasy you may have had--the crazy kind where the adults told you to "grow up"--well no more !!! 
See and hear what you want--and who is to say it is wrong---as long as it is true to you...

---Monster under the bed? Sure, you were probably right--he was there all along.

--Have you seen elves, fairies or bigfoot??  Of course you have, who would say you haven't?

--Senior citizen tooth fairy. Why should kids get all the fun? Try out this new mythological creature as you transition to dentures, placing your yellowed teeth and crowns under the pillow.

--Photoshop your prom pictures and post them on Facebook. Didn't go to the prom? Even better, just create a fake date. Then make sure to post "your reality." Also include shots of the epic party afterwards (increasing the crowd size is totally legit now--don't be shy to add a few hundred thousand).

--Fake polls. Ask your grandma, neighbor and dog if they like you. If all three say "yes", post this immediately! You are the most bestest person ever!

---Can you have a pony? Yes! 

Health Crisis Inside the White House

Dear Dingo:
The new communications director of the (formerly) most respected office in the world, has startled the nation with some revealing insights. Apparently, Chief of Staff Priebus is suffering from a devastating mental health crisis, while Steve Bannon is interested in achieving self administered fellatio. Will Bannon be receiving any sort of therapy, as the Christian right recommends for such a pursuit?

Answer:
Apparently, our new clown of the week, Scaramucci is himself a leaker--as he does not recognize that there is a Federal HIPPA law, prohibiting the release of another person's medical information to the public. (Of course, fake medical information is just called slander, which is perfectly ok kids!)

On the other hand, Bannons' reported preference for sausage sucking is certainly a topic the evangelicals should take very seriously. We wouldn't want him joining the military, would we?

Why Does One Baby Trump Another??

Dear Dingo:
I followed a news story about a terminally ill and disabled infant in Britain, that was denied extended and experimental medical care. Apparently, the hospital that made the choice to discontinue life support, was passionately attacked and even received death threats. Supposedly other hospitals, President Frump and even the Vatican offered to help save this one baby. 
Obviously to the parents, their child is special and incredibly loved.
But why was this child worthy of so much more financial and political support than other dying infants throughout the world??

Answer: 
It's called--Statistical Numbing.
One million dying infants matter less than the one you see a cute photo of.
(disclaimer: infant must be white) 

Here's what to do about it::

A) When you advocate for the Healthcare vote and the "right to healthcare" in the USA (and yes, folks-it is usually Medicaid that pays for critically disabled infants). Or as Trump supporters call them: "Leaches of the welfare state", those that "chose unhealthy lifestyles"....
 Remember to send a cute photo of each and every Medicaid recipient to your state senators.

B) Immigration. Parents that take risky boat trips and border crossings, only want the best medical care and futures for their children as well. They have the "right" to come to America. Please send individual photos of refugee children to your state representatives...
 Note: (You may need to photoshop here--photos should not include mom's with head scarves or darkish facial tones, as obviously these babies have no rights.)

C) UN funding. Again, every baby and child has the "right" to live with access to safe drinking water. Unicef and the UN, should be allocated increased funding for safe water programs in India, Africa, etc..
Again, more photos of babies here!!  (Note: photo must also include cute teddy bear, not tsetses flies please, major turn off).

Smart People Bad

Dear Dingo:
I am trying to understand what an average American Joe Trump voter is really thinking. (That is, if they are thinking at all...) Over and over, I hear that these voters are "sticking it to the intellectual elites" and chipping away at the vast conspiracy called: science.
Dingo, help me understand---if these voters really think it is okay to hate "intellectuals", science and facts, why do they even bother sending their kids to school and telling them to get good grades?

Answer:
Get with the program! Education is for sissy cry baby liberals. Today's voter prefers to teach their kids alternate facts. To get an "A" in the new 'great' America, student's study topics such as: the biology of T-Rex and sheep cohabitation on Noah's ark. Or young earth science--- ancient Egypt is now older than the universe. Civics lessons examine Obama era governmental theatrical productions, produced solely to frame gun owners. Physical education is finally obsolete --as the body only contains a certain amount of energy that we would not want to waste. Lastly, reading and spelling is for losers. Covfefe everyone!! 

The Weak Always Eat Last

Dear Dingo:

Why doesn't the Tyrant Toddler and his administration acknowledge the obvious increase in hate crimes these past 6 months in the USA? Why are they not accepting responsibility?

Dear Darling Human:

You poor thing, so naive.
In the thought process of the Tangerine Tyrant and his supporters, hate crimes are nothing more than social order "placement issues".  Putting people back in their proper place is *key* to making America great. Their whole world view is based on reducing justice, increasing non-equality and thus pissing on the weak. This (just like Darth Vader has said) will bring about: "order in the galaxy".

 It is so much easier for us canines to understand this twisted concept, as we too rule each other through strength and domination. However, we are a tad more evolved, as no canine has ever bullied another based solely on their breed standard or fur color. For example, a sheep dog wouldn't solely dominate terriers, nor do huskies bully poodles with frilly haircuts (although, perhaps they should).