I Do Believe Pants are an Infringement on Civil Rights

 Dear Dingo:

I honestly feel mask wearing is no big deal. We need to wear shoes for hygiene purposes to get service at any store, yet nobody complains. But for whatever reason I keep hearing conservative politicians go on and on about how 'mask mandates' will ruin civil liberties. What gives?

Answer:

If you are blessed with the chance to meet an anti-mask looney, I have some tips:

1- Speak slowly, simply and calmly

2- Replace the word 'mask' with "pants". For example: "I see you feel you have the right to be mask-less". "Well then, I have the right to be pants-less."

3- Remove said pants. If it is warm enough, remove underpants. Your civil right.

The Current Administration's Right to Die Movement

Dear Dingo: 

Steve Bannon brutally posted he wants Dr. Fauci's head impaled on a stick. Isn't Bannon participating in the same conservative party that defends the Right-to-life?

Was not Fauci only trying to save lives? 

Answer:

Actually they are pro-fetus. Not pro-fatso, as in those affected negatively by Covid. (note** Chris Christie discovered this the hard way)

Current Conservative policy explained:

Fetus first, mothers' life--totally optional. (Spolier: once born, a sick or disabled fetus magically becomes a too expensive to cover pre-existing condition).

You are free to go ahead and just die by: war, living in a shit hole country, playing with guns, domestic assault, attending a Trump rally, hurricane, flooding, smoking, assassination by white supremicist, substandard housing or becoming a Tiger King.

 

 

Common Senses Says: the Republicans are Actually Stealing the Election

 Dear Dingo:

It is really bothering me that for months and months polls showed Democrats way ahead in the 2020 race. Yet, here we are, easily accepting with a collective shrug: "well I guess the polls were wrong". Meanwhile, the Presidential toddler is spewing how his side (whose results do not match the polls) is the one that was cheated??

Answer:

Yes. The true cheater thinks EVERYONE else is a cheater too. 

Also known as the law of: "they who smelt it--delt it". 

The nerdy Democrats just can't seem to grasp this very logical possibility. But the Wall Street Journal did just a few months back:

https://www.wsj.com/articles/why-a-data-security-expert-fears-u-s-voting-will-be-hacked-11587747159

YES! People Like Traffic Jams

 Dear Dingo:

It seems these "Trump train" pick-up truck parties are becoming increasingly common as they block traffic and chase campaign buses.

What gives?

Answer:

Well the GOP campaign has an obvious budget shortfall. The best campaign advisors are just a tad too spendy, so being frugal conservatives and all, they simply found some consultants mingling in front of the Des Moines Wal Mart.

Recommendations include: sway undecided voters by marketing yourself as the party of monster trucks and bullying. It that is not enough, try traffic jams--heard that is a favorite of residents in the garden state!

Everyone aspires to being a loud mouth redneck. Other campaign branding events to look forward to:

Assorted Hooting and Hollering, GOP sanctioned squirrel hunts, jalopy hoarding for beginners, skeet shooting for toddlers, and coming soon on HGTV: Blue Tarp, Red Hat--a tutorial in roofing repairs.

 

 

Radical New Exercise Machines!

 Dear Dingo:

I can not stand the sound of my neighbors' leaf blower any longer! Not only does he use the obnoxious thing for leaves-- but also for dirt, dust and debris! Help!

Dear Frustrated:

Please let your neighbor know about the new and cost effective exercise plans:

Radical Raking!

Purchase a long-handled gizmo called a RAKE. Available now at your local hardware or big box store! Next, practice using the 'rake'--a simple back and forth, back and forth motion. Move leaves into piles or mulch for free compost. Lastly, make your lazy leaf blowing neighbor jealous, by instragraming your buff muscle pics. 

For dirt: Sexy Sweeping!

Purchase something called a "broom". For those unfamiliar with a 'broom'- it is the pole like thing that witches use for flying. Please do not attempt flying at home, that is for expert level only.

Just like for raking; use back and forth motion. This act is called sweeping. Again, place dirt into small piles and place in trash. (Note* requires taking responsibility for your own debris, unlike leaf blowing where it is simply moved onto the neighbors property).

For sexier sweeping, try wearing fish net stockings and a horned skullcap hat.

Catholics Can Save the Earth !

 Dear Dingo:

Everyone is talking about Judge Amy Barrett. Your thoughts?

Answer:

Yes, of course contentious abortion...BUT the silver lining--if she follows Catholicism, make sure she really follows Catholicism--not just pick and choose one political issue!

 In case you missed it: Pope Francis currently has supreme authority over the Catholic church. Which means, if Judge Amy is appointed--hold her accountable to the teachings of Francis!

Why do I say that? Because the current Pope is actually pretty woke. Anti death penalty, anti war, anti capitalism, anti racism and pro-environment ! Sounds more like a lib to me ;)

In case you missed it, the Pope spoke at a recent Climate change TED talk on October 10, 2020.

The Pope is clear that climate change is the greatest threat to life our Earth has ever seen – and that it is caused by humans. Even wrote a book: "Laudato si"

“The current economic system is unsustainable. We are faced with a moral imperative ... to rethink many things,” he said, listing means of production, consumerism, waste, indifference to the poor, and harmful energy sources.

Will our faithful potential Judge feel the same way, or will she be Anti-Catholic??

Victim Blaming??

Dear Dingo:

I am confused as to why some GOP lawmakers want Nancy Pelosi to apologize for "victim blaming", after she suggested it was no surprise Trump fell ill with Covid. Is not this the same Trump who mocked Joe Biden during the debates for being Covid cautious, including needling him about his "biggest face mask" ??

Answer:

Yes, the GOP--always looking out for the victims!  

Now you know if you have studied hard for a test and get an A, the kid who did not study and got an F is simply a victim!

Or how about mocking someone for using "the biggest condom", while you have unprotected intercourse-- becoming the "victim" of gonorrhea! Luckily the GOP feels your pain and discomfort.