Oh My, the Kardashians are Sensible....

Dear Dingo:

I saw a tweet by Kim Kardashian comparing children with guns to refugees.. The obvious fact was-- that small children playing with guns, were a much greater threat to life than any refugees. I mentioned this to my husband, and I think his head exploded. Not because of the fact, but because the Kardashians are more logical than the POTUS. 

 How are we to understand any of this?

Answer: TV and movies. The POTUS does not read, so neither should you--it may cause strokes, stress and heart failure.  In order to better understand the current American government: watch Star Wars, perhaps episode 3.  The evil Empire confuses the senate with misinformation and alternative facts, mixing up good and evil (does this sound familiar?)

You can also watch the reality show "Naked and Afraid", as we all may need some survival tips soon. But don't worry--in Trump's America only the 10's will be naked, the rest: just Afraid.. 

Logical Conclusion to Voter Fraud

Dear Dingo:
I am sooo confused as to why Trumper continues to insist there was voter fraud in an election he actually won? Doesn't he realize it could be interpreted to mean he acknowledges his own illegitimacy ?? 

Answer:
Yes. He needs immediate psychiatric care. Or, perhaps he wants to be "fired" from the boring and hard work that incorporates a presidency. Either way, an election with that much 'alleged' voter fraud needs an immediate "redo". Demand a new election now!!

How Darling Kelly-Anne Did "Not Get" the Women's March

Dear Dingo;
The sleep deprived court jester , a.k.a."Kelly-Anne Conway" says some crazy things, but I was most aghast by her snide statement that she "did not get the point of the women's march on Washington"... Didn't Mrs. Conway actually write a book titled: "What women really want"-- so of all people, shouldn't she at least get it??

Answer:
I know you want the easy answer--that she is in fact a man, but no, no... I won't humor you that way...
Her book about : 'what women really want', was based on political type polling. The researchers found all sorts of shocking results : For example, women put their children's needs first ! Want flexible work schedules! And more sleep!! Wow! 
The pollsters (oddly enough) did not ask women if they want: a president that calls them "pigs". Nor did they ask any women about being represented by a man that mocks their "disgusting' bathroom breaks... I am pretty certain that the pollsters didn't even ask women if they wanted a president that "grabs them by the pussy". Thus, poor Kelly-Anne is a little confused and unaware that most women really, really do not want these things. After all, how could she know? She didn't ask...

A Ray of Sunshine Today...?

Dear Dingo:
Can you help me get through this depressing inauguration? I fear I am going to get raging mad and run down the street, naked and screaming....

Answer:
You have two choices today. You can attend your local inauguration protest--make sure to pack a witty sign, plenty of outrage and a pack of matches for the ritualistic burning of some random limousine.... 
Or Choice #2 --play ostrich, also known as: "head in the sand". 
Purchase a cheap bottle of wine (this is no time for celebration wine) and continue to drink until inauguration footage begins to appear blurry on the TV.  At this point begin to mutter : "this is just another reality show, this is just another reality show"....

Melania is obviously cast for the "Real Housewives of DC" ready to inspire lust and longing amongst true American men (the right kind!) While Kelly Anne will provide the comic relief , as is evident with her, "I am a British soldier boy" outfit... All the while, "The Donald" will sit at his long board table, grimacing and wondering who next to fire.... And don't worry--Putin has a short cameo as well--always shirtless, energetic and witty--cast as everyone's favorite creepy uncle! Enjoy!

Republican Aggression

Dear Dingo:
Why are conservatives (or republicans) so nasty and mean to others? It seems that many right wing blogs and politicians have no problem screaming hurtful and mean words.  Are they even aware that others perceive them as as bullies and purveyors of cruel policies?

Answer:
Scientists have discovered that republican and democrat brains are wired differently (true fact!) Conservatives feel the world is full of threats and thus cling to outdated notions of 'social order' and guns. Liberals are too "dumb" to see these threats, because their brains are wired to perceive empathy instead.
You silly humans have actually developed a term for when canines act like republicans--it's called fear aggression. Every dog whisper knows that snapping at all perceived threats is a behavior that requires modification. If not modified, fear aggression is treated with a muzzle. Not sure how to put one on Trump or L. Graham....but it's worth a try.

Thanks Techies

Dear Dingo:
I was researching a teen comments board about the appropriate age to get an iPhone, and was kind of sickened by how many young (preteen) kids used the words "depressed" and "crying", in regards to how they felt about not having an iPhone.  Apparently, the world ends if fellow peers "social updates" are not followed every hour of the day. Do parents really feel this is the appropriate way to raise the next generation of children?

Answer:
Homo sapiens have an incredible need to "follow the pack", dogs and wolves understand this innate desire well, as it is quite useful for cohesion in a tribal system or hunting on the Tundra. However, this instinct becomes entirely maladaptive when it impedes a parent's ability to say "no" to fancy phones and technology.
Nobody wants to be mocked for being 'left out of the social media pack". So this ridiculous device, used primarily for porn and cyber bullying, becomes the new necessity...
Studies already show teen anxiety surging, but only time will tell how much shorter attention spans will become, or how much lewdness becomes normalized. (Disregard the president elect, whose childhood rotary phone apparently led to the same offensive behaviors....;)

Only Bullies Need Stupid

Dear Dingo:
I noticed that the orange lunatic that will be the next US president, tweeted that "only stupid people don't want to be friends with Russia". Why does this Putin puppet constantly talk like a naughty 3rd grader?

Answer:
Bullying 101 : always use demeaning and immature words to degrade others and assert yourself, as this requires less energy than throwing aimless punches.

Keeping with the spirit of the 'make America hate again' vocabulary, let me explain why it is in fact, stupid to be friends with Putin.

Putin and company are not only corrupt thugs, they are huge fans of Russian (and Soviet) propaganda--because it works!! (For those too stupid to know, propaganda in the US is now called "fake news"). Propaganda gets shit done in Russia, as it confuses people and weakens democracy. When people loose trust in the stupid system and question the stupid mainstream media--  corrupt and ineffective leaders gain power to inflict their stupid agendas. But the agendas are not just stupid in Russia, they are dangerous. (Ask Ukraine or any intellectual that has been sent to the stupid Gulag).

The Toad in the Swamp

Dear Dingo:

How do I stop reading crappy news feed comments? I can't peel my eyes away from the crazy blue collar folks fawning over the billionaire Trumps, commending them for their "hard earned" wealth. Or reading pro-Putin remarks from people who can't even find Russia on a map!
I feel like I am watching a house fly celebrate the giant toad that is about to gobble him whole. Terrible, yet intriguing in a sick way.

Dear addicted to comments:
At least you figured out what the 'house fly' has been told to believe, which is more than the DNC could do. Perhaps they should read more crazy internet comments next election?
In the meantime, please be patient. At some point, Trump voters will start to feel the sticky toad tongue sucking them into a very dark place. Let's just hope we all don't wind up in the abyss.