When Neighbors Attack

I am beginning to recognize that my utter suspicion of friendly neighbors stems from a deep and disturbed past. Growing up, we did live in something that resembled a "neighborhood", yet I was never under the impression that the human habitants on the street were of any use to us at all.
Although we resided in what is considered a "very good" neighborhood, somehow the folks next door never got the memo. I believe my earliest neighborhood memory is of being bitten by a dog--not only the dog on the left side of our house, but also on the right. As this was the 1970's, I was simply scolded, as back then the child "deserved it".
Nevertheless, the dog bites really weren't that bad, as they paled in comparison to how the neighbors gleefully enjoyed terrorizing us.

There were four teenage boys next door. These particular youths had an enlightened set of hobbies consisting of : starting fires behind the house, drunkenly climbing utility poles, stealing my father's gasoline, shooting pellets at the fish in our pond, and hosting loud parties while blasting fireworks into trees.  I was always on the alert for the smell of smoke, as something was usually on fire. 
Somehow, the delinquents managed to grow up and move on with their lives, but were replaced by something equally annoying in our "nice" neighborhood: Lawn care!

The raucous seventies gave birth to the materialistic 1980's. Now everyone on the street needed to chemically treat their lawn, manicure their trees and show off just how rich they were by summoning large amounts of immigrants to trim bushes. The worse part was the leaf blowers. As rakes were considered to be tools of the proletariat, endless leaf blowing became the neighborhood pursuit. The noise pollution was relentless and pointless.

To top it off, the town also experienced a rash of burglaries around that time. The perps weren't some sort of recidivists from far away--no, just "bored" local kids.
That's right. In New Jersey, neighbors don't bring over cookies or sing Christmas carols, but you can expect their children will steal your TV for kicks.
I think all this evidence will hold itself up very well, when my new friendly neighbors take me to court for being the "town crank". Leery suspicion is really the best I can do under these circumstances.

The End of The World as We Know It

As is my daily habit, I began the morning by scanning the Google News headlines. And what a grisly set they were!!! Apparently, we are double doomed here on earth... Stock market plunging! Fisheries depleting! Warmest year on record!...But none of these spell out the end of our species as obviously as: "Sarah Palin gives speech endorsing Trump!"

Why oh why is she still relevant news? Why are people even interested in her?? Is it the Alaska thing (but aren't we over that already?)  It can't be her awesome articulation and cognitive abilities (?)..Leaving me to believe there is only one last thing going for her--looks.
There is a simple truth about good looking women that nobody wants to admit (come on just admit it!!) People listen to them--maybe not all people--but men do. Men might not even be listening to what they are 'saying'--but they like to watch their hair and boobs jiggle while they are 'talking'.  Maybe imagine those spiky red heels in the air..This is a fact. If Sarah Palin gained 75 pounds and had a goiter on her forehead, she would magically disappear from political circles....(not the tabloids though--they would love the "before" and "after" pictures).
Men have a terrible weakness for beautiful women (as some women do for rich men--do you think Fifty shades would be remotely sexy if the main character was dirt poor??! NO. (Forced sex by a poor man is called rape. By a billionaire, it's fun! Got it?)
But I regress...
Trump himself is a perfect example of the biological truth that men love a pretty face. Just ask his ex-wife what happens if a woman dares to 'age'. Or maybe he just discovered that she used the bathroom...?? Either way, my advice to Silly Sarah is---while you are hanging out with your new friend Donald, keep up on that lipstick and heels, but don't ever, ever, excuse yourself to use the outhouse....

Do We have to Choose Between Burgers and Birds??

I, like many other residents of Oregon, have been watching the so called "Oregon Standoff" with mixed emotions of bemusement and horror...
These crazed cowboys with poor articulation skills, tons of guns, brimmed hats and a penchant for vanilla coffee creamer, are quite the spectacle. Any good Portland hipster can begin each morning reading the headlines of what their very own "Y'allQueada" are up to in Eastern Oregon...

Are they driving around in Federally owned vehicles? Reading biology brochures and mocking them? (quote: " That's what's wrong with America", according to the occupiers.) Or are they chasing the sheriff on horseback???

Yesterday, the crazy cowboys cut open the fence between the wildlife refuge and cattle land..to free up the "gubernment" land to grazing. And as any good land conservationist knows--once tons of unregulated bovines come trampling in....the land will most likely be decimated once again.

These machine gun totting cowboys claim: "People have the right to use the land"---But first we must define the word people. Because obviously bird watchers, environmentalists, tourists, hikers, and all others who want a wildlife refuge are not people, nor are they Americans. To clarify: only ranchers with beef cattle are people.
Good, now I understand.

But worries me the most is---what if the hikers, hipsters, tourists etc...are the ones driving the market for more grass-fed beef in the first place???? These Wal-Mart loving militant cowboys, are probably perfectly content with crappy feed lot beef...So the people the 'occupier cowboys' consider to be not people--(i.e. those that support the wildlife refuge) May in all actuality be their main consumer base?? What a quagmire...

The Inconvenient Gun Truth

Nobody really wants to offend anybody when discussing the right to bear arms--(especially scary, large people with ammunition!) so they don't like to talk about (although they probably know) the reality:--Gun zealots are not your average Joe suburban neighbor.

Having myself lived in communities with zero guns (except maybe an antique rifle mounted on a wall), to tolerating gun crazed neighbors in Alaska...here is a short list for those that may not know how to spot the difference:

PRETTY SURE THEY DON'T HAVE AN ARSENAL:

College Professors

Tech Geeks

Chemists

Astronauts

New Yorkers

Soccer Moms

Bankers

Surfers

Chefs

Hipsters

PRETTY SURE THEY DO:

Those that wear camo suits to church

Subscribe to the Sarah Palin channel

Post "We don't call 911" signs

Say "git" instead of "get"

Walk around generally paranoid

Stockpilers of everything

Under-employed, angry and missing a tooth

Post the Constitution in their truck window

That said, the crazy part is that my gun yielding, paranoid, toothless friends just can't see the real hoax that has been played on them. As they keep chugging the propaganda juice they are being fed--assuming "gubernment" is responsible for all their problems...they can't see that it was really corporate America that pulled the rug out from under them. In the meantime, in their confusion and paranoia---they will continue to stockpile weapons and do bizarre things like take over visitor centers...