Thursday, June 11, 2020

The Rallies Will be for Science

Dear Dingo:
I don't like the idea of mass gatherings in the era of contagious Covid 19. Now the hot air blowing Trumpet is planning large, indoor campaign rallies? Is this even sane?

Answer:

Think about it as science! As we know, Trumpet supporters don't wear face masks (wouldn't want to look weak now, would they...) Rallies are also known for chanting, yelling and hand shaking. Fill an arena with older, overweight, inflammed individuals and you have the perfect cytokine storm! Virus researchers will have a smorgasburg of voluntary human guinea pigs. You don't even need to compensate the republican lab rats, in fact they will purchase tickets..

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Keep America Great?

Dear Dingo:
I am a former supporter of this presidential administration. However, the way the country looks like right now, makes me question if I really want to "Keep America Great".

Answer:
What?  Mission accomplished. America is now super-great!! No more dentist appointments,  schools out forever, less traffic and more guns! Constant screen time is strongly encouraged. Not to mention-- you can simply bring your unemployed ass down to your local retail establishment, smash in the windows and take whatever the hell you want! For free! And if you are really bored, set it on fire for good measure. Even toilet paper has returned in some shape or form. So I don't really see the problem. Obama could never have pulled this all off.... KAG!


Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Your Rights? My Rights?

Dear Dingo:
In these troubling times, why does a certain segment of society continuously invoke their right to this, right to that? Why do these crazies feel the constitution says they can do absolutely anything, regardless how it affects others?

Answer:
They are "special". Driving stinky pick up trucks, stockpilling firearms, spraying toxic animal killing substances on their yard, all while enjoying a Marlboro and a Big Gulp Mountain Dew.

Zero comprehension what their choices cost society, their health and the earth.

Try this, ask your constitution loving rights fanatic what they think about:

Your right to gender neutral bathrooms
Your right to shop at the mall topless 
Your right to feed your baby via mammory glands in public
Your right to walk a wolf down a suburban street
Your right to be a vampire
Your right to drive a car that emits boiled broccoli instead of exhaust
Your right to drive 100 mph while drinking a glass of pinot noir










Monday, April 27, 2020

What Meat Crisis?

Dear Dingo:
The news headlines are getting me all worried about a possible meat shortage. Should I panic buy bacon?

Answer:
Listen homo sapien, unlike us dogs, recognize that your species has made it this far by being an adaptable omnivore. How about a veggie burger? Or try your local farmer's market.

To get over your cravings for cheap industrial pork, just google up some images for: "Tyson factory pork farm" and see for yourself where your rancid meat comes from. Next , watch some video of the happy vegetarian Arnold Schwarzenegger feeding his donkey in the kitchen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2pVtOp50YE
 You decide which is more enjoyable.... 

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Something Positive?

Dear Dingo:
I am worried about mental health. People are anxious, grumpy and depressed. Is there anything, anything positive out there?

Answer:
Here are some glimmers:

1) People will never, ever take toilet paper for granted again. Toilet paper = gold. In fact, our future economy will be based on the toilet paper standard.

2) Due to the rise in video conferencing, the textile industry is now only making tops. We can look forward to a completely pantsless society. There is an old Eastern European saying: "those without pants, have no worries". Interpret that as you want.

3) Corona gardens. A boom in gardening is underway. Increasng compost deliveries and seed catalogs. People previously unaware that rakes even existed, are becoming avid gardening enthusiasts.  This however, is an activity for which I recommend wearing pants.






Monday, March 16, 2020

Really? A Time for Guns??

Dear Dingo:
First the toilet paper, and now I read in the news that many Americans are hoarding guns and ammo. From my understanding, you can't SHOOT coronavirus to death. Right?

Answer:

When these paranoid ammo-huggers are asked--(why??) They insist they need more guns to protect family from hungry "city types" that will soon be ransacking rural neighborhoods-- ripping down doors and stealing frozen pizzas right out of good folks freezers.

For some bizarre reason they feel the supply chain of food will end. Apparently when you shut down schools, movie theaters and concerts--you are in fact reducing food?! Because we all know that secretly the school kids were raising beef cattle in the gym and chickens live in movie theaters. Not to mention nightclubs are havens for corn fields.

Some grocery shelves might look bleak right now, but at some point-- Joe Six Pack will realize that they can't possibly wipe, drink or eat all that mac and cheese collecting dust in the living room. 

Food accounts for 21% of landfill mass in the USA. Americans are the global leaders in food waste. (USA! USA!) If nothing else, check out your local health food store--
I guarantee you can still find plenty of chocolare hummus. 

Friday, March 13, 2020

Thank you for hosting! From the Virus

Dear Dingo:
I am totally grossed out by viruses. Why do these disgusting things even exist?

Answer: 
That's virusist! Viruses have been around for millions of years and are not going anywhere. Like it or not-- they are the most abundant biological entity on earth, found in every ecosystem and part of the carbon cycle--keeping nasty bacteria in check.

You crazy humans just love to mess with the balance of nature. What is natural, ethical or hygienic about back alley wildlife markets from which all these zoonotic viruses emerge from in the first place?

But instead of WHO or the UN ending nasty meat markets--(too simple?) You run around like chickens with your heads cut off when these animal viruses jump to human hosts.

Viruses are kind of rude and really into consumption, but they need you ! Scientists believe we may have actually co-evolved with viruses, simply to host them (rude, right?) Animals and humans have been running these free virus AirBnB's since the beginning of time. You can leave all the bad reviews you want, but these freeloaders aren't going anywhere...