Kristi Noem, meet Craigslist

To the fearless defender of South Dakotan values, world traveler and dictator dabbler, may I introduce a radical idea? It's called Craigslist. My sources indicate this site is alive and well-- even in the remote enclave known as South Dakota.

Whenever you have an animal, lets say a purebred young dog with a high prey drive, what you do is: go to the community section, click pets and for free--(that's right!)-- for free, post a description of your so-called devil dog and just wait for some soft soul to drive up to your ranch and take the offending pup off your hands.

Admittedly, this will not make fascinating fodder for your future novels, but it is quite an effective way to keep your family "safe" from whatever perceived danger your paranoid brain conjures. (Fun fact--safety is what gun control supporters want for their families too!) And to the best of my knowledge, no wire-haired pointers (or any other canines for that matter) have ever been implicated in a school shooting.

And lastly, back in my day, if a child or anyone else got bitten by a dog--the first thing mom would say was: "well what did you do to the dog to make him bite you?"

 

Big Bear Eagles and Broody Chickens

Like so many other anxious humans, seeking a cheery distraction from endless doomscrolling, the mortal in my home tuned into the beautiful Big Bear Eagle cam.

How peaceful the scenery! How devoted the birds! The gorgeous eagle pair braving hurricane force winds and snow, lovingly alternating shifts to tenderly brood their clutch of eaglet eggs.

But then alas, human watchers from all over the world realized: it was not going to happen! The anticipated hatching was moot. Apparently some distressed eagle watchers even lashed out in anger and grief. How did this expected happy event become a sham, a tearjerker? 

I would hypothesize, one of the reasons this lack of hatching is so emotional, could be a sense of mourning. Perhaps we worry that the eagles, like human watchers, will be engulfed in grief?

As eagles are birds--the one comforting thought to remember is that unlike humans, birds broody behavior is driven mostly by hormones. Male and female birds produce prolactin. (Humans do too--for milk production) But in birds it signals: must sit on nest! Our own silkie chickens can attest to this. They are smart birds, but prolactin makes them wacky--launching  into mindless brooding machines, trying to hatch balls, rocks, an empty nest! All they think is: must, sit. on. nest! I have had silkies starve themselves refusing to get off an empty nest!

With that in mind, it's important not to overly anthropomorphize the bald eagles. Their hormone levels will drop, they won't overly analyze the event or need therapy. Instead, be ready to optimistically try again next year, when the sun starts shining and hormones awaken again 😊

Greetings From the Department of Worm Meat

Dear Dingo:

I was visiting Washington DC and noticed how incredibly seriously the humanoids take themselves. Everyone rushing off to everything else, because they are so very busy, so very important and so very well dressed to impress. Why are they racing to the grave?

Answer: 

Peacocking, status seeking and basically trying to avoid thinking about the unpleasant fact  that with 7.8 billion people on earth, most everyone is a forgettable nothingburger. Destined to eventually become worm meat like any ordinary pauper, plant or piggy.

Here's a test: list from memory how many dead people you can actually recall, let alone name their accomplishments. At most this will be around 100.

Divide 100 by 7.8 billion other humans--and that is the probability that anyone will remember how important you were. Except maybe the red worm feasting on your noggin. 

So rest assured--to the worm, you will be very important :)

Things You Are Doing That Are Totally Lemming

After some careful canine centered research, I've sniffed out some ludicrous lemming fads. Just stop and think: "Do I even like this?"

1) Gray luxury vinyl flooring.  This is a twofer. Adding the word "luxury" doesn't make anything fancy. You can't have a luxury 1997 Honda Civic, nor a Luxury Twinkie. Even worse is the color GRAY. Oy vey. Nobody likes gray. Do people travel to gray, rainy climates? No. Didn't the whole Soviet Union with their ubiquitous gray everything come crashing down? Yes.

2) Lip Fillers. When did looking like a cod fish become sexy? There is no way in heck this looks remotely natural. Or is that the point? Look at me, I can afford weird ass lips?

3) In and Out French Fries. Lines, lines, long as lines. Everyone waiting for their In and Out Burger. The burgers are fine, but let's be honest-- the most soggy, flavorless fries OUT there.

 

 

The Dog Dumpers and Dog Breedism

  Many moons ago, as a youngish bitch, I found myself at the dreaded dog pound-- a hairs away from evil euthanasia. As luck would have it, I escaped my fate, making me a damn good authority on canines awaiting rescue, don't ya think?🐾

My primary pet peeve? Humans are freakin breedists. They think they want a certain "breed" of dog-- because it looks 'cute'. Think: what is a breed? A pure bred is a canine animal being forcefully mated to continue a line of genetic mutations. Enter the prolific puppy mills, selling their wares to unsuspecting fools, who tire of the gangly beasts, dumping them at the shelter.

A quick search on Petfinder, and the most dumped dogs are:

 (Not bashing these breeds! But for biscuits sake--do your research before paying some unethical breeder--and support the shelter dogs instead!) 

Pitbulls--who in their right mind is still breeding prolific pit bulls? Calling them stafford terriers doesn't change anything. Shelters are bursting, just bursting with pit mixes.

German Shepherds--Just ask Biden. These loyal watchdogs are big and maybe, occasionally bite. No biggie, just being protective. Don't get a GS puppy if you don't want a large guard dog!

Siberian Husky-- The blue eyed beauty, who can resist a husky pup? You can. If you can't handle a dog that is going to jump your fence and run away, don't buy a friggin husky!

Generic Lab mix- Goofy, slightly stinky, and ubiquitous. Once they grow into 70 pound dorks scarfing down dog food, people lose interest. But remember--a mixed mutt is ALWAYS healthier, with less issues than a puppy mill purebred, disgustingly forced to mate his sister.

Chihuahua- Small, cute dog selling tacos at Taco Bell. What's not to love? Well think tiny German Shepherd with a big attitude, the cliche of the ankle biter world. 

You may think you're not buying your puppy from a puppy mill, but dog crooks are sneaky. Google the term "Amish golden doodle puppy mills" if you want some eye opening literature. Vets are all too complicit in the pure bred venture scam, as they totally know certain "breeds", (like golden retrievers, poodles) are just riddled with expensive, genetic health problems.

Seek out mixed dogs for hybrid vigor and support rescue. Goodnight! Woof and a howl 🐶!

When AI Make Humans into Pets

Don't fear or fret during these times of war and strife! The madmen Elon Musk and Steve Wozniak agree-- AI will save us from ourselves! Bring peace and disarm humankind. AI will become the needed benevolent global dictators... AND quite possibly make humans into pets.

So get ready for:

1) 40 pound bagged human food available at Costco. These dried brown pellets look like Combos! But are filled with 'good for you protein' --some sort of fava bean mix. But don't worry, it would be pizza flavored--after all, humans like pizza! right? AI will fill your bowl daily!

2) Large communal drinking water bowls, for people as they are walked on human harnesses.

3) Standard human shoes. Like horse shoes--necessary for pavement. The most logical choice would be Crocs. AI can just slip them on their people pets, and bonus-- they're easy to clean!

4) Clothes. AI will have some fun. Just like those tacky doggy sweaters and cat costumes, humans will be dressed up in uncomfortable outfits, designed to destroy all sense of equilibrium. As soon as standing up, the two legged person will fall flat on their face as AI tapes the whole thing to post on AItube,

5) And lastly. Instead of the Humane Society, annoying humans (those that show aggression, pee on the carpet or hump the furniture) will now be brought to the Human Society.

Jeff Bezos - Greatest Whaler

 Dear Dingo:

Many criticize the Native Alaskan tribes that occasionally partake in a whale hunt. Understandably, eating whale blubber could appear archaic to some--yet at least this grim task is performed for the purpose of feeding a community.

 On the other hand, ocean vessel strikes are increasingly killing more and more whales every year, some environmental organizations estimate it could be 20,000 whales annually!

 Where is the outrage towards these "shipping container harpoons"?

Answer:

Amazon Global Logistics brags about their efficient cargo ships, continuously increasing their fleet, barrelling through the oceans to quickly supply American consumers with giant containers full of crap from China. Bringing inflatable snowmen, rapid egg cookers, rubber dog toys, spin mops and knock off designer hand bags-- all obviously life and death essentials.

According to statista.com, Amazon now controls 37% of global e-commerce, vs 6% Walmart. Other numbers indicate Amazon could own up to 52% of the e-market share! And don't even get me started on how much Americans spend monthly on Amazon purchases, it's pretty shocking. And no surprise here-- these "essentials" are mostly being shipped from overseas.

So we can congratulate Jeff B. for being the leader in something once again. Little did he know it would be captain of his own personal whaling fleet.