Friday, September 4, 2020

How to Campaign in 2020

 Dear Dingo:

 Lies, crazy speak, gaffes, conspiracy theories and ladies with guns seem to be the only thing making political headlines these days. Where are the policy discussions?

Answer:

America has now become one big Tik Tok or Youtube. Only craziness or cuteness gets the hits. President Grump knows this and controls the conversation, reality TV baby!

Here is my recipe for a Biden/Harris win:

1) They campaign with a golden retriever puppy in one hand. AT ALL TIMES.

2) Catchy song and video. Kamala and Joe compile a song and dance routine including puppies, cool cars, sunglasses, more puppies--and throw in some kangaroos for good measure.

3) Conspiracy theory. Real outrageous behavior by the current administration is not enough--like chronic diarrhea, there is just too much of it. Everyone loses focus! Need to pick one thing (luckily these days, it does not need to be real) and stick with it.

 Possible ideas: Pres. Grump has a secret alien wife👽, that is why Melania looks so upset.

The Devil 👹 guides Grump and forces him to wear red, long neck ties and play golf.

Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV is code for Space Force to begin "shaping" all American citizens into camera TVs 📻 . Elon Musk was awarded a huge multibillion dollar grant for this...


 



  



Monday, August 17, 2020

Something New in 2020

Dear Dingo:

I am feeling rather glum about 2020. Is there anything feasible to feel good about?

Answer:

Of course there is!

1) People are finally washing their hands! According to the CDC, pre-Covid only about 30 % of men washed their hands after using a public restroom.... nasty!

2) Americans are not the most ignorant people on earth! Citizens of Belgium, France and even anal Germany have all held Covid is fake protests in the past month or so, proving they may not be intellectual powerhouses afterall. Achtung Dummkopf!

3) 17% drop in global carbon emissions. See, not so hard, just stop going to your job already...

4) Regarding # 3, as Ivanka T. said: Just try something new!  Say you are a laid off airline executive, perhaps you could bake hemp brownies or become a plumber now....

5) Masks are fun-!!- nobody can judge your laugh lines, you can stick your tongue out at people without them knowing and best of all, you can shoplift without being caught (i.e. try something new!!)



Monday, July 20, 2020

Candidate for President



Dear Dingo: 
So we have come down to a presidential race where the current dialogue consists of debating which candidate may or may not be senile. If senility is optional in the United States, will even more delusional druids jump into the race? Such as Kanye West and his Birthday party? 

Answer:
May I present Mayor Rooster. He is running on the "I'll peck you platform." Completely fed up with all the squabbling of the past years, he will restore order. He is a pro wrestler, an open sexual aggressor (promises to change with therapy) and prefers bug buffets. He does not care for corruption or understanding anything. Hobbies include doing the dominance dance and opera singing. Promises to keep policy simple and will peck anyone he disagrees with, including Putin.



Thursday, June 11, 2020

The Rallies Will be for Science

Dear Dingo:
I don't like the idea of mass gatherings in the era of contagious Covid 19. Now the hot air blowing Trumpet is planning large, indoor campaign rallies? Is this even sane?

Answer:

Think about it as science! As we know, Trumpet supporters don't wear face masks (wouldn't want to look weak now, would they...) Rallies are also known for chanting, yelling and hand shaking. Fill an arena with older, overweight, inflammed individuals and you have the perfect cytokine storm! Virus researchers will have a smorgasburg of voluntary human guinea pigs. You don't even need to compensate the republican lab rats, in fact they will purchase tickets..

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Keep America Great?

Dear Dingo:
I am a former supporter of this presidential administration. However, the way the country looks like right now, makes me question if I really want to "Keep America Great".

Answer:
What?  Mission accomplished. America is now super-great!! No more dentist appointments,  schools out forever, less traffic and more guns! Constant screen time is strongly encouraged. Not to mention-- you can simply bring your unemployed ass down to your local retail establishment, smash in the windows and take whatever the hell you want! For free! And if you are really bored, set it on fire for good measure. Even toilet paper has returned in some shape or form. So I don't really see the problem. Obama could never have pulled this all off.... KAG!


Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Your Rights? My Rights?

Dear Dingo:
In these troubling times, why does a certain segment of society continuously invoke their right to this, right to that? Why do these crazies feel the constitution says they can do absolutely anything, regardless how it affects others?

Answer:
They are "special". Driving stinky pick up trucks, stockpilling firearms, spraying toxic animal killing substances on their yard, all while enjoying a Marlboro and a Big Gulp Mountain Dew.

Zero comprehension what their choices cost society, their health and the earth.

Try this, ask your constitution loving rights fanatic what they think about:

Your right to gender neutral bathrooms
Your right to shop at the mall topless 
Your right to feed your baby via mammory glands in public
Your right to walk a wolf down a suburban street
Your right to be a vampire
Your right to drive a car that emits boiled broccoli instead of exhaust
Your right to drive 100 mph while drinking a glass of pinot noir










Monday, April 27, 2020

What Meat Crisis?

Dear Dingo:
The news headlines are getting me all worried about a possible meat shortage. Should I panic buy bacon?

Answer:
Listen homo sapien, unlike us dogs, recognize that your species has made it this far by being an adaptable omnivore. How about a veggie burger? Or try your local farmer's market.

To get over your cravings for cheap industrial pork, just google up some images for: "Tyson factory pork farm" and see for yourself where your rancid meat comes from. Next , watch some video of the happy vegetarian Arnold Schwarzenegger feeding his donkey in the kitchen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2pVtOp50YE
 You decide which is more enjoyable....