Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Rules of Eco Behavior

It is well known that when moving to the Portland, OR area-- one must immediately begin to kick up their shtick. Perhaps grow an interesting beard, begin a new hobby like naked bike riding, insert small plates into the earlobes or just wear a T-shirt with "Sasquatch is my homeboy" on it.
Nevertheless, even if you don't have the "look" you must follow certain ecological rules of behavior.
1) Bugs are your friends. 
I learned this the hard way, when visiting a hotel pool with my son. Many children were around, and a large hornet (and yes, it was a flippin hornet!) was chasing the kids. So I squashed it, and proudly turned to the mom next to me stating: "that hornet won't threaten the kids now."
 Instead of the thank you I was naively expecting (as her own child had been running and screaming from said stinging critter) I receiving a seething: "how do you know that wasn't a bee?" "Did you just kill a honey bee??"
2) Garbage cans are for losers. 
Upon moving into our new home, we signed up for the silly suburban garbage plan. My husband simply selected the "standard option" and we awaited delivery of our trash receptacles.  Four were delivered in all, the first three being very large containers allocated for #1--recycling, #2--yard waste, #3--glass, and then tiny, tiny # 4--labeled "refuse". Certainly the yard waste container could fit a small elephant, but as hard as I tried-- could not stuff a small kitchen trash bag into our new "micro refuse container". Obviously, one can deduce what sort of behavior is encouraged here: beverages shall be unpasteurized milk in glass bottles or better yet--local micro brews from growlers. Allowable activities include trimming giant herbs and yucca trees, or rinsing out yogurt tubs for placement in the gigantic recycling bin. But don't ever, ever produce any garbage!
3) Green clean.
Trying to be helpful, I offered to clean a kids craft table that was covered with glue. Noticing that the other mom was using only a tissue soaked with water (?) I offered a crazy suggestion: "clorox wipes should get the glue off quickly." I might as well have said "let's go hurt puppies".  My incorrect use of speech was corrected with the mantra: "though shall only use vinegar". And make sure it is in a glass bottle!


Monday, September 28, 2015

The Recluse on Sesame Street

Real estate listings tell you a lot of things: like square footage of a lot, the house, "good school district", all those mundane details that are pretty good to know. Yet, in my humble opinion, the most important disclosure of all is missing. Something that I call: a neighborhoods "sociability index" . You just need to know !! How else would some engaging extrovert know that his or her future home may just be on a "keep to themselves street"?? Or worse--if an innocent introvert (like say maybe myself) accidentally falls ass backwards into the most freakishly friendly neighborhood, with all its associated social obligations ??!!
Yes, yes I know-everyone dreams of living in "Mr. Rogers neighborhood", where the children roam the streets like free range chickens and neighbors wave gaily and invite you to BBQ's. Who even knew that these places even existed outside some 1950's sitcom?? (I sure didn't).
It all happened so quickly,-- had not even opened the front door on move-in day --when a swarm of neighbors came rushing to the driveway to meet us. "Hi! Hi! Here are the kids, meet my dog, let me tell you the history of the house you are moving into! You'll love it here! Do you need to borrow a tea pot??"
Before I could even collect myself, two joggers ran by smiling and waving : "welcome to the neighborhood!" they called out.
What have I gotten myself into....??
Next came knocking on the door, with a fresh baked cake...(oh crap--what do I need to cook in return??) Thank you !(insert exasperated smile to said neighbor). Friendly neighbor person also wanted to remind me: "if you ever need anything--like an egg--just come on over and borrow one!" 
"Yes, thank you! Of course."
Here's what I am really thinking: 'WTF does that even mean?? The grocery store is like 1 minute away--do I look weak? lazy? unable to make it there? or just really, really egg-dependent??'

Then came the invites to dinner and a neighborhood BBQ. And as I smile (once again) and make up some lame response as to why we regrettably can't, introvert brain is thinking the following:
"I'm sorry, but I just can't accept this social invite and the associated reciprocation that is expected of me. I have no intention in attending or hosting neighborhood dinners, as I find it incredibly stressful and draining to make small talk without copious amounts of alcohol". (which may or may not be provided at said event) Yikes!
And to make it worse, I actually like some of these people, but feel the need to hide from them and their need to excessively wave and talk to one another- What if I take out the garbage and miss an obligation to wave at someone???--Then they'll all stand around the cul-de-sac discussing what the heck is wrong with me--"perhaps she needs another cake??"

Monday, September 21, 2015

First You Buy A Haunted House

As soon as we started sniffing around real estate in the Portland metro area, we were incessantly asked one question: "you do know about the market here?" 
Inducing buyers panic seemed to be the going game and the stories would spew forth --Ruthless bidding wars!!.. you'll never win!! You must send the sellers a picture of your dog and perhaps dance a jig ......
So we hurried, scurried and got a house. An enjoyable place, a tad quirky, perhaps a bit worn, but at least it had a (necessary) garden pond!
Interestingly enough, the home inspector failed to note that the appliances were possessed. First night in, 3:00 AM-- dishwasher decided it was a great time to begin washing phantom dishes. As I scurried upstairs to silence the machine, I was met by the largest spider I had ever seen. Upon closer inspection, discovered it and all its freakishly huge spidey friends resided right under the basement shower stall... wonderful. And (judging from their size) appeared to be radioactive.
Possibly linked to the wacked out microwave--which decided it was his turn to act up next--and proceeded to keep running and running until the whole thing needed to be unplugged. Did I mention the lights flickered? Of course the lights flicker, they love to flicker. Worse of all, the delightful little garden pond got in on the fun and made sure the water fall would randomly turn on and off!! It was no secret. This house did not like me.
I pleaded with the house--we will take care of you. I respect you.
At first, nothing changed--the dishwasher still ran at will, and the house creaked loudly all night. But slowly, slowly I think the house believed me. It liked the fish in the pond, the banana trees we planted, the floors we refinished. And somehow the appliances started behaving and the giant spiders left....But for a last hoorah--the furnace vents spit out a pair of black pants. Yes they did. Apparently someone lost their pants--in my vents.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Crap the Lower 48 Takes for Granted


Take it from someone who just crawled out of the wild, you Lower 48 folks just don't know how easy you've got it...!!!  
For example:
--IKEA. Holy cow, just can't stop eating at their cheap ass cafe!! And how do they make all that rickety furniture look so good? Mesmerizing.

--Online ordering. Having only lived in the "no shipping to AK, HI and Puerto Rico" or "additional fees apply" category during this whole darn internet phenomena-- imagine the thrill, yes the thrill! of being able to finally get FREE SHIPPING. Holy doodles, the UPS guy at this point thinks we are drunk or insane. Delivering boxes of cheap Italian glassware, patio tables and avocado mayonnaise to our doorstep. But the shipping was free!!!

--Trader Joe's. This crazy place has figured out my generation. Changing the merchandise weekly, keeps the low attention crowd from being bored...not to mention their emphasis on three major food groups: frozen foods, desserts and cheap wine!

--Additional Roads. Say there is a wildfire, oil spill or avalanche (ok, probably won't happen) but there are alternate routes available. You can avoid the calamity and actually arrive at your final destination!

--Swimming. Summer recreation in the lower 48 means really using the water bodies, without having to carry a membership to the polar bear club!

--Crickets. I sure like hearing these little critters chirp in the evening. Not to mention they are a good source or protein--although, I'll admit it's not to my taste. Ok, maybe if they were served at IKEA.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

The Dingo is Not Demented

Dear Dingo:
Thank you for enduring.  Six long days stuffed in the back of a Jeep, unaware you were leaving your beloved Alaska behind you. Stopping for the night amidst the Tok sled dog races, only to be awakened by the haunting howls of hundreds of fellow canines. Groggy afternoons spent staring out at the never ending road--fruitlessly clawing at the window, hoping for some recognition from the wild horses of the Yukon.





But that was the easy part. I'm sorry for the indignity you have experienced in the lower 48! Sickened by the ridiculous heart worm pesticides and prescribed poison potions, so foreign to your 13 year old organic body.  The barbaric apartment complex with their racist (doggist) "no huskies allowed" policy. And the heat. The relentless heat, that makes your tongue hang out to the floor and your mouth gape open with that maniacal grin. And then your silly human got confused by all this and took you to "the vet", seeking help for your awkward gaits and ailments.  Dr. Dork was unfamiliar with your mysterious Northern ways and growling jowls, and felt it was accurate to callously blurt: "this dog has dementia!"
Alas, the Dingo is not demented. I can assure you--just out of place, adapting to the new soils, smells, and slugs of Oregon. The humans on the other hand, well that is another story....