Dear Dingo:
I am worried about mental health. People are anxious, grumpy and depressed. Is there anything, anything positive out there?
Answer:
Here are some glimmers:
1) People will never, ever take toilet paper for granted again. Toilet paper = gold. In fact, our future economy will be based on the toilet paper standard.
2) Due to the rise in video conferencing, the textile industry is now only making tops. We can look forward to a completely pantsless society. There is an old Eastern European saying: "those without pants, have no worries". Interpret that as you want.
3) Corona gardens. A boom in gardening is underway. Increasng compost deliveries and seed catalogs. People previously unaware that rakes even existed, are becoming avid gardening enthusiasts. This however, is an activity for which I recommend wearing pants.
Dingo speaks
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Monday, March 16, 2020
Really? A Time for Guns??
Dear Dingo:
First the toilet paper, and now I read in the news that many Americans are hoarding guns and ammo. From my understanding, you can't SHOOT coronavirus to death. Right?
Answer:
When these paranoid ammo-huggers are asked--(why??) They insist they need more guns to protect family from hungry "city types" that will soon be ransacking rural neighborhoods-- ripping down doors and stealing frozen pizzas right out of good folks freezers.
For some bizarre reason they feel the supply chain of food will end. Apparently when you shut down schools, movie theaters and concerts--you are in fact reducing food?! Because we all know that secretly the school kids were raising beef cattle in the gym and chickens live in movie theaters. Not to mention nightclubs are havens for corn fields.
Some grocery shelves might look bleak right now, but at some point-- Joe Six Pack will realize that they can't possibly wipe, drink or eat all that mac and cheese collecting dust in the living room.
Food accounts for 21% of landfill mass in the USA. Americans are the global leaders in food waste. (USA! USA!) If nothing else, check out your local health food store--
I guarantee you can still find plenty of chocolare hummus.
First the toilet paper, and now I read in the news that many Americans are hoarding guns and ammo. From my understanding, you can't SHOOT coronavirus to death. Right?
Answer:
When these paranoid ammo-huggers are asked--(why??) They insist they need more guns to protect family from hungry "city types" that will soon be ransacking rural neighborhoods-- ripping down doors and stealing frozen pizzas right out of good folks freezers.
For some bizarre reason they feel the supply chain of food will end. Apparently when you shut down schools, movie theaters and concerts--you are in fact reducing food?! Because we all know that secretly the school kids were raising beef cattle in the gym and chickens live in movie theaters. Not to mention nightclubs are havens for corn fields.
Some grocery shelves might look bleak right now, but at some point-- Joe Six Pack will realize that they can't possibly wipe, drink or eat all that mac and cheese collecting dust in the living room.
Food accounts for 21% of landfill mass in the USA. Americans are the global leaders in food waste. (USA! USA!) If nothing else, check out your local health food store--
I guarantee you can still find plenty of chocolare hummus.
Friday, March 13, 2020
Thank you for hosting! From the Virus
Dear Dingo:
I am totally grossed out by viruses. Why do these disgusting things even exist?
Answer:
That's virusist! Viruses have been around for millions of years and are not going anywhere. Like it or not-- they are the most abundant biological entity on earth, found in every ecosystem and part of the carbon cycle--keeping nasty bacteria in check.
You crazy humans just love to mess with the balance of nature. What is natural, ethical or hygienic about back alley wildlife markets from which all these zoonotic viruses emerge from in the first place?
But instead of WHO or the UN ending nasty meat markets--(too simple?) You run around like chickens with your heads cut off when these animal viruses jump to human hosts.
Viruses are kind of rude and really into consumption, but they need you ! Scientists believe we may have actually co-evolved with viruses, simply to host them (rude, right?) Animals and humans have been running these free virus AirBnB's since the beginning of time. You can leave all the bad reviews you want, but these freeloaders aren't going anywhere...
I am totally grossed out by viruses. Why do these disgusting things even exist?
Answer:
That's virusist! Viruses have been around for millions of years and are not going anywhere. Like it or not-- they are the most abundant biological entity on earth, found in every ecosystem and part of the carbon cycle--keeping nasty bacteria in check.
You crazy humans just love to mess with the balance of nature. What is natural, ethical or hygienic about back alley wildlife markets from which all these zoonotic viruses emerge from in the first place?
But instead of WHO or the UN ending nasty meat markets--(too simple?) You run around like chickens with your heads cut off when these animal viruses jump to human hosts.
Viruses are kind of rude and really into consumption, but they need you ! Scientists believe we may have actually co-evolved with viruses, simply to host them (rude, right?) Animals and humans have been running these free virus AirBnB's since the beginning of time. You can leave all the bad reviews you want, but these freeloaders aren't going anywhere...
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Should I Freak Out?
Dear Dingo:
I don't know how seriously to take the mass panic about coronavirus. Any help?
Answer:
After questioning a handful of suburban moms with school age children, I have concluded that--yes--they are all extremely freaked out....that school will be canceled. Gyms, malls, recreation centers shuttered, husbands working from home. Everyone bouncing off the walls and at their wits end. Children mummifying each other with the excess toilet paper, while mom hides in the closet guzzling hand sanitizer. The lesser known dangers of this epidemic.
I don't know how seriously to take the mass panic about coronavirus. Any help?
Answer:
After questioning a handful of suburban moms with school age children, I have concluded that--yes--they are all extremely freaked out....that school will be canceled. Gyms, malls, recreation centers shuttered, husbands working from home. Everyone bouncing off the walls and at their wits end. Children mummifying each other with the excess toilet paper, while mom hides in the closet guzzling hand sanitizer. The lesser known dangers of this epidemic.
Thursday, March 5, 2020
Bring on the Gaffes!
Dear Dingo:
It pains me to say it, but I get concerned watching Joe Biden speak--his "gaffes" often look like some sort of senior moments. Should I panic?
Answer:
Don't fret, moderate. Just look up the term "Bushisms".
Crappy public speaking only concerns the pundits, to everyone else, it is 'more relatable'.
(Much like an ugly red MAGA hat)
Most voters fear intellectual 'elitists' and only trust those that remind them of their crazy uncle.
Thus, sit back, relax and enjoy the upcoming geezer gaffe match. Be glad Biden's twitter feeds are sane & not written by an orange baboon, thumping his chest in the oval office.
It pains me to say it, but I get concerned watching Joe Biden speak--his "gaffes" often look like some sort of senior moments. Should I panic?
Answer:
Don't fret, moderate. Just look up the term "Bushisms".
Crappy public speaking only concerns the pundits, to everyone else, it is 'more relatable'.
(Much like an ugly red MAGA hat)
Most voters fear intellectual 'elitists' and only trust those that remind them of their crazy uncle.
Thus, sit back, relax and enjoy the upcoming geezer gaffe match. Be glad Biden's twitter feeds are sane & not written by an orange baboon, thumping his chest in the oval office.
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