Cheer up folks ! A Trump presidency won't be all doom and gloom. Some of the hidden benefits we may expect in a Trump Fiefdom:
*Purple Hearts for the Promiscuous*
Yes, yes--Trump was quoted on the Howard Stern show, explaining his brave behavior dodging STD's --carelessly sleeping around has been his own personal "Vietnam War".
Now remember children: McCain is a "loser", BUT Trump is our well hung American hero!
*Medical Leave for Menstruation*
As Trump feels that menstruation is a vile, inexcusable activity, he will certainly offer paid medical leave to any menstruating woman. Preferably as she resides in a dark cave far, far away from him....
*Free Slot Machine Tokens*
How else is he going to fix the mess he made in Atlantic City?
*Medicaid Covered Boob Jobs*
Not only will breast implants become emergency medical procedures, so will all plastic surgery, face lifts, hair extensions and liposuction. Get in line girls.
*Less Restrictive Immigration*
Trump likes to talk about building walls, but secretly plans to make it easier to get into the USA...... That is if you are a hot underwear model ;)
Dingo speaks
Friday, September 30, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Living in Modern Mayberry
I believe everyone knows exactly what I mean by "Mayberry". Oh you know that faux small town community portrayed on TV. The one with the friendly folk that are always stuck in circa 1950... Oh how the big city newspapers love to insist these communities just don't exist anymore....Then proceed to write up all sorts of overly analytical articles about the demise of free range children and good old fashioned community. Bah. It's all right here and I am living the "dream".
We fell ass backwards into Mayberry 2016, so I know what makes it tick.
The formula is rather simple:
1--Make sure you hit the economic "sweet spot". That means a community where folks can afford their mortgage in a safe area, BUT are also happily unmotivated. In other words, a neighborhood where people actually don't want professional landscaping, luxury cars and McMansions, therefore willingly live as: single income families....The SIFs
2- Single income families instantly create herds of free range children--why? Because nobody can afford after school care, organized sports, smartphones for kids or assorted lessons. Some adult is always around, getting exasperated and sending the kids outside to 'play', which really means: neighborhood nerf wars (the modern day cowboys and Indians), stealing apples and chucking them (apparently into my pool), having helmet free bike racing contests, or just generally running around barefoot in the street.
3- Make sure you live in Oregon. Where A) Pot is legal and B) Wine is considered health food. That takes you back to #1-- (see unmotivated community) and #2 (see exasperated parents) and leads to point #4.
4- Always plan an extra 10 minutes to get anywhere at all---The crazy friendly neighbors will stop you as you attempt to run to your car-- insisting on asking about your day, week, year, vacation plans and fertility. After that, you have to discuss why the lawn looks splotchy this year. When you finally do make it to the car, drive only 3 miles an hour to avoid the barefoot children. Being in a hurry is considered rude.
5- Take careful notes. In Mayberry not only do you need to know the names of your neighbors, you need to know their kids and freakin pets. I know the names of all my neighbors' dogs, their associated barks and which one crapped the lawn.
6- Everyone must have a craft activity. Not because it's a good hobby, but because your neighbors will be bringing you their crafty creations during the holidays. So if you can't make salsa, hand salve or beeswax candles, do what I do--purchase gifts and apologize.
7- All in all, remember --Mayberry is an exhausting place to live. There will be Frisbees on your roof, endless gossip, loose senior citizens, pets and second hand marijuana. Enjoy.
We fell ass backwards into Mayberry 2016, so I know what makes it tick.
The formula is rather simple:
1--Make sure you hit the economic "sweet spot". That means a community where folks can afford their mortgage in a safe area, BUT are also happily unmotivated. In other words, a neighborhood where people actually don't want professional landscaping, luxury cars and McMansions, therefore willingly live as: single income families....The SIFs
2- Single income families instantly create herds of free range children--why? Because nobody can afford after school care, organized sports, smartphones for kids or assorted lessons. Some adult is always around, getting exasperated and sending the kids outside to 'play', which really means: neighborhood nerf wars (the modern day cowboys and Indians), stealing apples and chucking them (apparently into my pool), having helmet free bike racing contests, or just generally running around barefoot in the street.
3- Make sure you live in Oregon. Where A) Pot is legal and B) Wine is considered health food. That takes you back to #1-- (see unmotivated community) and #2 (see exasperated parents) and leads to point #4.
4- Always plan an extra 10 minutes to get anywhere at all---The crazy friendly neighbors will stop you as you attempt to run to your car-- insisting on asking about your day, week, year, vacation plans and fertility. After that, you have to discuss why the lawn looks splotchy this year. When you finally do make it to the car, drive only 3 miles an hour to avoid the barefoot children. Being in a hurry is considered rude.
5- Take careful notes. In Mayberry not only do you need to know the names of your neighbors, you need to know their kids and freakin pets. I know the names of all my neighbors' dogs, their associated barks and which one crapped the lawn.
6- Everyone must have a craft activity. Not because it's a good hobby, but because your neighbors will be bringing you their crafty creations during the holidays. So if you can't make salsa, hand salve or beeswax candles, do what I do--purchase gifts and apologize.
7- All in all, remember --Mayberry is an exhausting place to live. There will be Frisbees on your roof, endless gossip, loose senior citizens, pets and second hand marijuana. Enjoy.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
11 Stories and 120 Years Old
Big Medicine is out to kill us. Ok, ok , maybe not kill us (there isn't much profit in efficient ends now is there??) just incapacitate us greatly. If you don't know who I mean by "Big Medicine" is-- it's what everyone else calls "conventional" medical advice....
Now, I don't have a human anecdote today--but what I have is Dearest Dingo herself. All 16 years of her!! She's a husky shepherd type mix and we do know she is old, old, old. I tried to convert her age into DOG years, using an online pedigree calculator. However, upon entering her size and breed mix, they claimed: "we do not have that calculation available" (!) In other words, they consider her an absolute anomaly...impossible to achieve... (I did look at another chart- that states she would be around 120 in human years).
Well anyway, my freak-of-nature dog had started to suffer from some weakness and arthritis in the back legs--already in 2015--when she was 14 1/2. I took her to a "conventional vet" that summer, who (of all things) diagnosed her with dementia for growling at him ! (Dingo hates all strangers --when she starts liking them--then she'll be demented). He also gave the standard medical advice: "she needs to take it easy" , no stairs, shorter walks, more resting, blah, blah. Heard it all before, from every well meaning individual...
A few months later, when she was 15, I took her to a "natural vet" for possible acupuncture to help her arthritic hind legs. But, darling Dingo wasn't going to have any of that (insert growl here). Instead, we were sent away with a container of Chinese herbs (which happened to make Dingo a bit crazy manic) and the same well meaning advice: "no stairs, take it easy, slow and steady"...
Well, it just so happens, that the only way to get into our fenced in backyard, is by using stairs--so short of carrying the 65 pound Dingo, we had no choice but to incorporate the "evil" stairs into her daily jaunts and potty rituals. In addition to Dingo's daily step-aerobics, once the Oregon weather turned nice, she increasingly stayed outside and started taking longer and longer strolls....
Reluctantly, we continued taking Dingo on shortish hikes in the nearby woods (upon her insistence)--which surprisingly didn't seem to affect her stamina at all. In fact, we slowly started noticing that in the past 6 months, the ability to smoothly use her rear legs seemed to actually be improving. (note, she doesn't seem to need pain meds, but does take glucosamine and fish oil)
Which takes us to where we are today...This crazy 16 year old dog, just joined us on a hilly nature hike. Besides an awkward stumble into the river (because she was chasing a duck) we managed to get her home just fine, although at her own slow and steady pace. As it happened, we had one of those new fangled phones along, so just for giggles, I checked the fit app thingy....
So how long was the hike we took Dingo on? Here it is folks: 2.64 miles and 11 stories!! All because this crazy animal hasn't taken "it easy", but has literally worked her tail off keeping fit.
Now, I am under no illusions that she is going to magically reverse the aging process, but holy crap, if she had 'taken it easy' as suggested, would she have been able to walk through the forest today and chase a duck at her age?? I'll let you decide....
Now, I don't have a human anecdote today--but what I have is Dearest Dingo herself. All 16 years of her!! She's a husky shepherd type mix and we do know she is old, old, old. I tried to convert her age into DOG years, using an online pedigree calculator. However, upon entering her size and breed mix, they claimed: "we do not have that calculation available" (!) In other words, they consider her an absolute anomaly...impossible to achieve... (I did look at another chart- that states she would be around 120 in human years).
Well anyway, my freak-of-nature dog had started to suffer from some weakness and arthritis in the back legs--already in 2015--when she was 14 1/2. I took her to a "conventional vet" that summer, who (of all things) diagnosed her with dementia for growling at him ! (Dingo hates all strangers --when she starts liking them--then she'll be demented). He also gave the standard medical advice: "she needs to take it easy" , no stairs, shorter walks, more resting, blah, blah. Heard it all before, from every well meaning individual...
A few months later, when she was 15, I took her to a "natural vet" for possible acupuncture to help her arthritic hind legs. But, darling Dingo wasn't going to have any of that (insert growl here). Instead, we were sent away with a container of Chinese herbs (which happened to make Dingo a bit crazy manic) and the same well meaning advice: "no stairs, take it easy, slow and steady"...
Well, it just so happens, that the only way to get into our fenced in backyard, is by using stairs--so short of carrying the 65 pound Dingo, we had no choice but to incorporate the "evil" stairs into her daily jaunts and potty rituals. In addition to Dingo's daily step-aerobics, once the Oregon weather turned nice, she increasingly stayed outside and started taking longer and longer strolls....
Reluctantly, we continued taking Dingo on shortish hikes in the nearby woods (upon her insistence)--which surprisingly didn't seem to affect her stamina at all. In fact, we slowly started noticing that in the past 6 months, the ability to smoothly use her rear legs seemed to actually be improving. (note, she doesn't seem to need pain meds, but does take glucosamine and fish oil)
Which takes us to where we are today...This crazy 16 year old dog, just joined us on a hilly nature hike. Besides an awkward stumble into the river (because she was chasing a duck) we managed to get her home just fine, although at her own slow and steady pace. As it happened, we had one of those new fangled phones along, so just for giggles, I checked the fit app thingy....
So how long was the hike we took Dingo on? Here it is folks: 2.64 miles and 11 stories!! All because this crazy animal hasn't taken "it easy", but has literally worked her tail off keeping fit.
Now, I am under no illusions that she is going to magically reverse the aging process, but holy crap, if she had 'taken it easy' as suggested, would she have been able to walk through the forest today and chase a duck at her age?? I'll let you decide....
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