Friday, March 17, 2017

When Your Leader Wears a Tin Foil Hat

Dear Dingo:
I am too embarrassed to admit which country I am writing you from. Let's just say, it was once a great nation, but was recently conquered by leaders who believe only in conspiracy theories and employing chimpanzees as fact checkers. I think the entire administration may in fact be illiterate. I don't know how to safely raise my family under such a scary regime. Advice?

Answer:
Good for the chimpanzees, they have found employment!! 

Take heart--plenty of 2nd and third world countries have survived such regimes, and their children may have even prospered!
Look to some fine countries for inspiration, such as Kazakhstan or Venezuela, who also have embraced reduced regulations, monkey business, crazy propaganda and increased fossil fuel production! Yay!

First: Build a giant concrete wall around your home. 
Not only will this keep the increasing masses of poor people out of your house, but the chickens will remain in. It is also quite "third world chic".

Second: Say goodbye to your children, pack their bags and send them elsewhere for their education. I recommend Canada. This way, they will also avoid the inevitable 'Bannon draft'.

Third: Remember to turn off your TV and never, never listen to presidential spokespeople. They will try to fool you with bizarre stories of massacres, espionage microwaves and bears attacking schools.

Lastly: Begin brewing some sort of home liquor concoction, you are going to need a lot of it!




Saturday, March 11, 2017

How Can He Live With Himself?

Dear Dingo:
I just read that our pervert president has 24 carat gold seat belt buckles on his private jet. I know the dude is rich, but how does he justify such lavishness in a world where children are dying of famine?

Answer:
There is a strange phenomena amongst millionaires and billionaires, where they actually believe they have been working much harder than everyone else... Even if they are only attending meetings, sitting on comfy chairs and nibbling frog legs, they always believe: "my 'work' is worth boatloads of money, while your silly 'work' is not!

For example, if a millionaire makes 5 million dollars in one year (from say rigged slot machines, designing a jewelry line or a tacky real estate project), they are delusional enough to believe the 4,000 hours they worked in one year (and that would be if they even worked 12 hour days) deserves $1,250 per hour ! 

That's right kids--the same billionaires that don't want to raise the minimum wage--feel that yelling at subordinates, looking at blueprints or negotiating, is 300 times more work than cleaning nasty bathrooms at Home Depot! Got it ?! 

And regarding those starving children....Boo hoo....Remember, that in Steve Bannon's world, those brown third world kiddos are nothing but a drain on Western society anyway...Real children (especially those the pro-lifers are fighting for) can only be precious white zygotes, conceived during drunken frat parties...Hope that is clear now ;)


Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Can We Make Lemonade From These Sour Lemons?

Dear Dingo:
I am pretty much in continual despair every time I read or watch the news. Can you please help me endure living under this bizarre, hostile and truth-challenged presidential administration?  Is there any silver lining here at all??

Answer:
Not silver, but I will try for copper.

Think of the Trumpeter as a habitual drunk, insisting on getting behind the wheel and driving a speeding automobile. How long can he really keep the car on the road? Even while most of the police (ahem, republicans) attempt to distract themselves with doughnuts--at some point this car will smash biggly into the guard rail. 

In the meantime, enjoy the surreal experience of having a 2nd or 3rd world type propaganda spewing, unstable dictatorship in your own back yard!! Now we can all enjoy the virtual reality of living under a hostile regime. Just close your eyes and pretend you are somewhere in Central America or the Middle East. Look at all the money you saved on air fare !! 




Wednesday, March 1, 2017

2017 EPA: Enjoy Pollution Always!

Dear Dingo:
I can't for the life of me understand what Trumpeter and his repugnant party is talking about when he calls the EPA: "Job-killing EPA". What do these folks even think is the purpose of this agency??

Answer:
Once upon a time, a Republican named Nixon, wanted to clean up the environment and make it a safer, cleaner place....wait...no, no , no...This is 2017-- Let's talk about alternate facts!!!
The EPA was obviously created as a socialist job killing scheme. You see, according to Drump, progressives are only pretending to care about the environment, health and climate change--they really don't want it at all. What they really want is: less jobs!!! That way, there would be more time to prance around San Francisco with flowers in their hair! Yes, that's all progressives want: no jobs ! Just free love and free drugs! Doesn't that make sense ?