Friday, April 22, 2016

Surving the Suburbs Part 2

As I continue to explore ways to keep myself from leaping off a bridge while living in the burbs, I do need to count my lucky stars that at least I reside in the Portland suburbs-
More ways to keep yourself amused:

1) Place chickens in the garage.
Being Portland after all, small livestock (like hens--not roosters) are always welcome. As I couldn't stand to get just any old chickens and needed the fluffy, extra toed Silkie kind-- I happened upon a man selling indoor chickens (that's right- diaper wearing, TV watching fowl). As I am actually against the idea of poultry panties, I compromised by allowing these delicate ladies to spend the night in the garage (while they quietly sleep inside a cat carrier)...All is well until morning--then all hell breaks loose as they start their turbulent squawking.  Often because at least one of the hens has laid an egg and needs to sing her "egg song"...Needless to say--this instantly wins me the award for "weirdest sound emitting from a suburban garage."

2) Alternative pet medicine.
It didn't take long for me to naturally accept the Portlandia way of life. After about the third recommendation for Dear Dingo dog to start acupuncture--for alleviating aging back issues, I sought out the nearest holistic vet. Not surprisingly, there are many near Portland!  Alas, once the vet began her visit with my dear dog, she deemed Dingo's "arctic nature", (also known as aggression) made her a bad candidate for having needles placed in her spine. (Imagine that!) Thus the vet performed reiki instead. That's right--"healing touch" performed on a dog.  But if nothing else, at least it wasn't boring. Points for that!


Thursday, April 14, 2016

Bring on the Gender Neutral Bathrooms!

Quite a few years ago, I was visiting some night clubs in Eastern Europe. These large venues were quite crowded, and when it was my time to seek the appropriate latrine, I  couldn't locate the women's restrooms. What I did find, to my bemusement, was a long line of young ladies and men patiently waiting their turn at the (gasp!) gender neutral bathroom stalls...
I watched in utter amazement, as nobody even questioned the ability of men and women to pee next to one another without incident. After using the facilities, I was pretty jealous--these women didn't need to stand in those awful long-ass women's restroom lines!!! Could there really be another way? Aren't we women doomed to stand in long bathroom lines--always 4 times longer than those of men---as is customary at any large US event??
I call for anarchy!--Rip those pesky "men/women" signs right off all the doors of bathrooms across America!!
Everyone will benefit:

1- First of all--Let's talk about the crazy conservative myth, with their ads that "creepy men will follow your little girl into the gender neutral potty".
Well guess what folks? As the mother of a little boy-- I have had to watch creepy men follow him into the "men's only" bathroom time after time. I am not allowed to monitor the situation at all, and must stand like some sort of crazed freak outside the door, calling out "are you ok?" every thirty seconds. Meanwhile (true story) said creepy man walks out and tells me: "don't worry, I was watching your little boy, he is doing fine"... I know the man meant well, but yikes--bad choice of words to crazed mom!

2- Perhaps some women are concerned that they don't feel safe around men in restrooms. Well isn't this actually a problem that needs to be discussed regarding men? Is it easier to just shove them in their own bathroom stalls than seriously address violence against women?? (That's just good old men!) The thing is, in a crowded bathroom, it really won't make a difference in safety. And in a desolate lonely one--who is stopping this violent man from just hiding out in the womens' bathroom in the first place? Nobody is really standing guard at the door...(except crazed mom, see previous)

3- Men don't know what women are up to. Case in point: Donald Trump feels that women do grosser things in bathrooms than men do. So maybe it is time to bring on the "potty awareness movement" where the sexes need to endure one another so we can stop thinking that one is grosser than another. Who knows? Maybe men will even start washing their hands more! (and on this one, men are the grosser sex...) 





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