I Do Believe Pants are an Infringement on Civil Rights

 Dear Dingo:

I honestly feel mask wearing is no big deal. We need to wear shoes for hygiene purposes to get service at any store, yet nobody complains. But for whatever reason I keep hearing conservative politicians go on and on about how 'mask mandates' will ruin civil liberties. What gives?

Answer:

If you are blessed with the chance to meet an anti-mask looney, I have some tips:

1- Speak slowly, simply and calmly

2- Replace the word 'mask' with "pants". For example: "I see you feel you have the right to be mask-less". "Well then, I have the right to be pants-less."

3- Remove said pants. If it is warm enough, remove underpants. Your civil right.

The Current Administration's Right to Die Movement

Dear Dingo: 

Steve Bannon brutally posted he wants Dr. Fauci's head impaled on a stick. Isn't Bannon participating in the same conservative party that defends the Right-to-life?

Was not Fauci only trying to save lives? 

Answer:

Actually they are pro-fetus. Not pro-fatso, as in those affected negatively by Covid. (note** Chris Christie discovered this the hard way)

Current Conservative policy explained:

Fetus first, mothers' life--totally optional. (Spolier: once born, a sick or disabled fetus magically becomes a too expensive to cover pre-existing condition).

You are free to go ahead and just die by: war, living in a shit hole country, playing with guns, domestic assault, attending a Trump rally, hurricane, flooding, smoking, assassination by white supremicist, substandard housing or becoming a Tiger King.

 

 

Common Senses Says: the Republicans are Actually Stealing the Election

 Dear Dingo:

It is really bothering me that for months and months polls showed Democrats way ahead in the 2020 race. Yet, here we are, easily accepting with a collective shrug: "well I guess the polls were wrong". Meanwhile, the Presidential toddler is spewing how his side (whose results do not match the polls) is the one that was cheated??

Answer:

Yes. The true cheater thinks EVERYONE else is a cheater too. 

Also known as the law of: "they who smelt it--delt it". 

The nerdy Democrats just can't seem to grasp this very logical possibility. But the Wall Street Journal did just a few months back:

https://www.wsj.com/articles/why-a-data-security-expert-fears-u-s-voting-will-be-hacked-11587747159

YES! People Like Traffic Jams

 Dear Dingo:

It seems these "Trump train" pick-up truck parties are becoming increasingly common as they block traffic and chase campaign buses.

What gives?

Answer:

Well the GOP campaign has an obvious budget shortfall. The best campaign advisors are just a tad too spendy, so being frugal conservatives and all, they simply found some consultants mingling in front of the Des Moines Wal Mart.

Recommendations include: sway undecided voters by marketing yourself as the party of monster trucks and bullying. It that is not enough, try traffic jams--heard that is a favorite of residents in the garden state!

Everyone aspires to being a loud mouth redneck. Other campaign branding events to look forward to:

Assorted Hooting and Hollering, GOP sanctioned squirrel hunts, jalopy hoarding for beginners, skeet shooting for toddlers, and coming soon on HGTV: Blue Tarp, Red Hat--a tutorial in roofing repairs.