So I'm Becoming the Crazy Lady

One of the sad, but true, clichés about suburbia, is batshit human inhabitants bizarrely becoming obsessed with wildlife entering their manicured fortresses....
Either they want more critters (bring on the bird feeders!) or less (got to trap those pesky raccoons!) The thing is: you must regain control of your kingdom!! This is key, nobody is ever happy simply letting things be..

Aaah, and at first I too enjoyed scoffing at the soft suburban ignoramus. Mildly amused at the bored old man feeding "his" squirrels. Or rolling my eyes at the nutty neighbor "battling a vicious mole"

But then came the ducks. First of all, let me clarify: I love ducks!! But not in the friggin pool ! Not only is our yard the worst place ever to build a nest (dog alert!) Secondly (and let's be honest--this is the worst part) they can poop up a pool in a matter of mere minutes.

These mallards full of moxy started arriving on April 1st (ha, jokes on me!) And their utter disregard for barking dogs and screaming humans (moi) was most infuriating. After some searching online--the Google recommended floating all sorts of inflatable toys in the pool. No problem then: beach balls, loungers, etc. all were deployed to action.

Next day: ducks are back in the pool. Added myler balloons, as apparently that scares them off...not my ducks--back again, with lavish green excrement everywhere.

Lastly, we brought out the big guns: Giant sized beach ball! (At this point, the pool looks like we are having the best party ever, except we're not). And yet again, the ducks returned.

With all other options exhausted, we discovered the most effective way to use our floating beach party against the ducks-- Projectiles! Certainly, the neighbors can hear us through the fence---those mad duck abusers, throwing beach balls at poor ducks, but hey--  they leave! ( Note: no ducks were harmed.)

Yet, the kingdom was still not safe.  As I was partaking in my morning ritual of scooping duck poop out of the pool, I noticed a big black raven hanging out at our little goldfish pond. Just like the ducks, he/she seemed completely undeterred by my presence.

I tried to ignore it, (let it be!) but a few minutes later hear it loudly screeching: "kra, kra, kra". He is picking at something yellowish and loudly bragging about it.  All of a sudden, another raven friend shows up to join him-- at which point, I approach the big black birds, only to see --he is eating one of my goldfish!!!!

Damn it, I grabbed the hose and tried squirting the raven, but of course the bird takes off and sits on the fence, annoyed and staring me down. I continue to aim the hose at him (which is squirting water all over the street-- hitting the confused joggers behind our fence! ) Yet the water keeps missing the clever raven, as he flies this way and that --mocking my game of "dodge hose".

I quickly grabbed the remains of the poor little goldfish and buried it (no more meal for trespassers!) before grabbing the hose again... As it is obvious the raven can count there are still 5 fish left and he has returned for more!

 I retreat to the garage to grab the deer netting (which I have to keep the hawks off my chickens). Quickly cover the pond, and not one minute later --the darn raven is at its side again--eyeing my contraption... Because birds have incredibly good eye sight, I watch him hop around the pond examining every angle of approach. (he's too smart to actually try and go for it). After some careful thought the raven leaves. Hurray! One point for the deranged human!

Yet he won't let me off easy--he returns with 3 other ravens (no joke) who land all around the yard to squawk at me! Holy cow--What kind of bird horror world am I residing in??? Finally, they leave, as their message : "we'll be back, inferior human", rings loud and clear.

I assume this is how the journey begins--  the mad path to becoming the neighborhood crazy lady...

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Dogs Don't Do Democracy

Like it or not, all domestic dogs are simply mutant little wolves.. Of course you don't need to tell the dogs this --they already know they are mini wolves, just ask any terrorized neighborhood squirrel!! And like all good pack animals, canines look for leadership within their group--accepting the alpha female and male will set the rules, stay calm and keep the pack out of harms way. Does the pack come together and try to "out vote" the alpha? No it doesn't. They already know that the "collective will of the wolves" may not get the pack far.
Humans, on the other hand, don't get this logic at all.

We like to *pretend* that humans are all rational, good, intelligent creatures with amazing decision making capacities! Yes! Let's follow the will of the people and see where this goes...
Well it goes something like this: organize a "democratic online vote" to choose a name for a scientific research ship. What do you get?? Boaty McBoatface.
Or how about ask a state with more horny men citizens than women to elect a governor, what do you get ?? Sarah Palin.
Then ask a bunch of angry white republicans to vote for a candidate, and of course you get the Trumpster.
The will of the people is crazy and immature. Why do we have an obesity and diabetes crisis in the USA? Because people can't keep their hands off sugar. They aren't overdosing on broccoli and poached salmon, now are they?? (Addicted to cauliflower--story at 11:00!)
And what ever happened to educational TV?? Replaced by porn.
That's a true democracy folks. Home of the Kardashians and deep fried twinkies...

White Dog, Black Chicken

Remember the news story about Rachel, the former NAACP leader, who identified as transracial, i.e. black, while being born "white"?? People went bananas , so angry about this "deranged" woman. Yet, I still don't understand why anybody would care....Worst of all-- the outrage seemed focused on the fact that she dared to look "blacker" than she was! (by tanning, oh my!)

I have one dog with pink skin, and one dog with black skin (yes, you have to dig in the fur to see--but it's there!) Raised two white skinned chickens, one with black feathers--and now have two black skinned chickens, with blue ears!! Does anyone talk about my multiracial chicken emporium?  Unfortunately, no...Not even the chickens...No scandal here.

 Anyone who travels to South America would be mesmerized by their total disregard for "race". Tons of mixed marriages and offspring, every color shade you can imagine, and do you know why? Because people who's ancestors were raised in warm sunny climates are darker (gasp!) than those that come from less sunny climates! (yes, those fair skinned Europeans they happened to mate with). It's about vitamin D absorption people, yet we use this as a way to actually categorize people !!!

It's about as logical as grouping folks by their lactose intolerance, red hair, or hairy chests...Imagine school and doctor forms with "Check here for racial group": Hairy, Stout, Freckled or Curly haired.

As a mom, I never saw any logic to racism and we simply told our son: race is a biological adaptation that people have hangs up about... Skin color has only to do with your ancient ancestor’s proximity to the sun! We were all once black, moved north and lost our color to absorb vitamin D in a cloudier climate, so we wouldn't die.

But of course, this results in my poor boy asking me throughout the summer (as his skin darkens with the sun) Am I Mexican this week ? Or with an even darker tan—am I black? So yes, we can all be temporarily black, or brown...But (sigh) still can't get those blue chicken ears, no matter how hard I try...