If You Don't Have a Food Issue, Please Excuse Yourself

Oh dear. I have discovered that within nine measly months of living in the Portland vicinity, my understanding of American social norms is already wildly eroding.
I suppose it was once called "dining etiquette". That byzantine notion that refusing a particular meal or offer of food is considered rather rude. Scandalous even.
Not so here....
In Portland, the old rudeness table has been flipped right over, legs upright with not much of the old ideas clinging to it all. In fact, every self respecting hipster knows that the hosts are always to blame for the rude behavior in a meal exchange!  Tisk, tisk..
In order to avoid host negligence (for those not enlightened to West Coast customs), let me clarify:
Offers of sugary sweets: are you trying to kill a diabetic?
Serving soda: what are you, white trash?
Serving white bread: worse than soda. (Tip: Unless you want to be ironically unhealthy, --then offer to pass a Hookah instead)
Offering peanuts: are you trying to kill my kid?
Milk products: "no cow". **Unless grassfed, otherwise go goat or cashew.
Meat: Always allow 5 minutes for vegans to exit the room first. Local meat is ok, as are strange German entrail sausages . Or anything from a café only known as "PIG". (Again: it's fine if it's ironic.)
Beer and Wine: Make sure 32 varieties are available, including gluten free and cider. Eugene or Seattle are not local enough. Must have a creepy picture on the label, or perhaps sasquatch.

Maybe it all sounds exhausting, but it's actually quite fun!  You just start to embrace the quirks and self righteous eccentricity...Why not overanalyze your food in Oregon??
Where else can you enjoy the cognitive challenge of the allergen free, locally sourced office party? (Yes, we honestly made hand picked heirloom apple pie, with gluten free, no sugar crust).
Or the overly friendly (aka stoned) neighbors bringing over their Christmas cheer--accompanied with a long winded ingredient list --assuring everyone that no one will (intentionally) die with consumption. (We all know that those that don't list ingredients are sociopaths).
Proper etiquette includes long preparation. As my husband's diligent co-worker did by spending hours designing a computer spreadsheet for an office road trip- in order to prepare "paleo pescatarian" meals for the road. (Needles to say he got a bonus).

Is it any surprise then, that even the local strip club advertises: Gluten Free Lap Dances?  I am sure they are also quite probiotic....

P.C. Christmas

For the first time ever, my child is experiencing something known as "Public School". With this endeavor, I also get to experience something exciting and new: "the politically correct holiday season." (yay! insert eye rolling)
First, the child comes home and announces that we are no longer to say, "Merry Christmas", that would be offensive.
From now on it is "Happy Holidays". 
I ask the child: "Would you really have your feelings hurt if someone said 'Happy Kwanza' or 'Happy Hanukkah', or 'Happy whatever' to you"??
"No". He replied.
Of course not. Who cares? And what is crazy--is that what most people associate with "Christmas" has zero to do with the Christian religion. Unless, of course it is paganism you are afraid of--after all, the pagans are the ones that danced around and burnt the 'Christmas' tree. And what is offensive about mentioning Santa Claus in school?? When did Santa become a religious symbol (??) Can they mention Mickey Mouse?
Of course the public school isn't all about eliminating fun, so instead of just stomping out the traditional Christmas party from the agenda, they replaced it with something known as the "winter parade".
The kids get to dress up in funny hats and eat doughnuts. They also invited parents to the auditorium to see them sing their "P.C. Holiday songs"--one of which was "Walking in a Winter Wonderland".
Which , in fact, I found offensive. If they are so busy analyzing to death the offensive symbols of "Christmas" (like Rudolf! the horror!) Why are they instead teaching elementary students lyrics that go: "Are you married, he'll say "no ma'am", "but you can do the job when I'm in town" ?
Yes, yes, the sweet innocence of implied one night stands! Happy Holiday indeed !!






 

Bullied by Old People

It all started rather innocently, fueled by my naively ambitious good intentions...

You see, I had inherited my mom's cherished living room couch. It was her prized possession, but after some 40 years in need of love or what is also known as 're-upholstering.'

Now smarter souls than I, they do not do re-upholstering. Logical people get a quote for the project, laugh at the ridiculously high price and then skip off into the sunset to buy a new couch ...

But no, no, no... I had to be a self righteous fool!...smuggly deciding that I would most definitely reupholster. Look at me! Re-purposing this fabulous old frame!

And to top it off, I chose a cute elderly couple to embark on the project. Employing pensioners, yes, how sweet of me! And the gentleman had even gone to furniture school, embarking on his family's lifelong trade, with beautiful craftsmanship to boot...

All seemed well, and I began the journey by tediously picking out the proper upholstery fabric. After looking at hundreds of swatches--I made the choice to go with a yellowish linen type pattern, that seemed very sturdy and varied in color--good enough for 

hiding minor stains. I envisioned a functional couch that would be enjoyed by all.

The day came, when we rented a truck and dropped the behemoth couch off at the furniture shop (and its accomplice--heavy side chair). Finally ready to receive the long awaited foam and upholstery.

Upon arrival, we were greeted by the elderly couple with my expensive roll of fabric in hand. As they were pointing to the material, they confirmed-- this is the fabric, correct? And yes, I saw my linen patterned choice in hand. But here in came the confusion. Both of these fine folks simultaneously exclaimed--that rough fabric is the back of the cloth!

What? 

Oh yes, they chimed--look at the other side, smooth and white-- that is the front.

(But I know I picked the darker, patterned side!) But these old folks didn't care--they went on and on... how I couldn't have possibly picked the rougher side. That's impossible. That would be ridiculous even!--they laughed and giggled. And somehow it was getting late and I was confused and we weren't going to haul the damn couch home or reorder the fabric...so I said "fine" yes, let's go with it...you're correct.

Eek. So three weeks later we pick up the couch. And it is beautiful (and they did find weird family photos and a billy club inside of it). BUT it is friggin WHITE.

We hauled the behemoth back home, gingerly set it up in the living room...

And there the white, delicate showpiece sits. I wanted a rough, darker, linen couch-- that we could actually use. But no, the couch smuggly rests-- smooth, clean and white-- just daring for someone to sit on it....And when I exclaimed to the old folks, "how will I keep it clean?"

They simply answered: just bring it back and we will reupholster it again!

Isn't the Debate Over Yet??

For years now, every time there is some sort of mass shooting, the right wingers read from their same old tired and paranoid script (well the half-sane ones that is, the other half deny the shooting happened...)
"We don't need gun control folks, in fact we need more guns! " Yippee!
Instead of gun control, their little plan is to profile the 'crazy' folk, place them on a magical mental list...which, may I ask, will be evaluated how?? Are we talking mom's with postpartum depression, hysterical teens or Charlie Sheen? 
Are the right-wingers now going to add everybody who doesn't look 'white' to their silly profile list ?? Or how about the category they truly crave: "just not Christian"..?

And somehow the " good guys need more guns" talk doesn't take into account, that the "bad" guys are often clever monkeys wearing helmets and body armor, not necessarily that easy to stop...or know who they are!
This gun nonsense has got to end-- if every "good" guy needs a gun to fight all the "bad guys" we will be living in the Wild West. Last time I checked, some of us don't want that anymore...