Friday, August 25, 2017

Better Buy a Hovercraft

Dear Dingo:
How is it that the our presidential turnip can get away with calling a free press, especially those news outlets run by educated and award winning journalists-- as "fake". The last time I checked the dictionary, "fake" meant a forgery or hoax. The 'Onion' could be considered fake, but not CBS or the NY Times. Why isn't the entire nation outraged?

Answer:
Yes, yes-- up until very recently, the term "fake" was easy to determine, as in: "hungry babies agree -- silicone breasts are indeed fake as these vesicles are unable to facilitate lactation".

Now "fake news" is an extremely confusing topic. Let's look at the "fake" and "failing" NY Times as an example:
A recent "fake news" headline suggests the Tappan Zee Bridge has been reconstructed and set to open soon.
Now, as a reader of NYT "fake news", does one simply assume that there is in fact, no bridge, and this event is not happening? Has the article been written in jest as a piece of satire? Will your car fall into the Hudson? Yes, a very confusing time indeed.

"Real news"  apparently consists of unpresidented tweets, where one is to assume that the word "too" is now to be spelled as the word "to", and vice versa. With these confusing developments, there is simply not enough time in the day for national outrage. We must instead rewrite grammar books and map out new travel routes, avoiding those dastardly imaginary bridges invented by the fake NY Times. 

Monday, August 21, 2017

Conservatives Are Closet Evolutionists


Dear Dingo:
I recently read a crime story, that was unfortunately committed by a homosexual man. Out of curiosity, I scrolled to the 'comments' section. Instead of discussing the crime, the internet trolls could not stop themselves from commenting how the criminal was obviously: "a Clinton voter, typical sick liberal, etc.."
For the life of me, I can not understand what one isolated crime has to do with painting all liberals as crazy lunatics?

Answer:

Let me explain, by telling you about the crow. This glorious black bird lives in a complex society, made up mostly of extended family and friends. When one crow appears injured or just plain different, the other crows attack and kill it. They feel that the "different crow" will bring down their group and it must be eliminated. It is a simple animal urge, stemming from a struggle for daily existence and survival of their species.

Now replace the word "crow" with 'conservative'. Conservative creatures feel the weak, poor, new and 'different' must be hated and systematically destroyed. Especially the "weird" liberals and refugees. A conservative society consists only of strong, white and confident heterosexuals--the others require a good pecking.

This brings us to the true diabolical reason conservatives do not want schools teaching Darwin's theories. Their stinky think tanks don't believe in Creationism one bit. But they do know if kiddos figure out that conservative policy is nothing more than the same social engineering performed by apes, chickens and crows, their "great America" gig is up. After all,  if a crow and chicken is all it takes to write conservative legislation, they all will be out of their jobs...
Meet your future senator.




Friday, August 11, 2017

How to Embrace Alternate Reality

Dearest Dingo:
The Orange madman leading our nation, only reads so called surveys and stats that please him, even if they are completely untrue. Not enough politicians seems to care that this fat emperor is wearing no clothes--many keep agreeing with his fantasy world!
 What should I make of this kind of nonsense without going completely mad ??

Dear Human:
When in Rome...
Embrace the fact that we will be living in la-la land for the next few years.
Here is your chance to live out any childhood fantasy you may have had--the crazy kind where the adults told you to "grow up"--well no more !!! 
See and hear what you want--and who is to say it is wrong---as long as it is true to you...

---Monster under the bed? Sure, you were probably right--he was there all along.

--Have you seen elves, fairies or bigfoot??  Of course you have, who would say you haven't?

--Senior citizen tooth fairy. Why should kids get all the fun? Try out this new mythological creature as you transition to dentures, placing your yellowed teeth and crowns under the pillow.

--Photoshop your prom pictures and post them on Facebook. Didn't go to the prom? Even better, just create a fake date. Then make sure to post "your reality." Also include shots of the epic party afterwards (increasing the crowd size is totally legit now--don't be shy to add a few hundred thousand).

--Fake polls. Ask your grandma, neighbor and dog if they like you. If all three say "yes", post this immediately! You are the most bestest person ever!

---Can you have a pony? Yes!