Friday, April 15, 2022

Piguet, Rolex and What the F?

 Dear Dingo:

There are reports of criminals following & assaulting the well to do in Los Angeles, mostly to take their watches. The weird thing is, these are not for telling time, they are 6 figure status symbols. What gives?

Answer:

Indeed. Why would you flaunt an easily removable, resale friendly, ridiculously expensive item?For a canine like myself, the thought of owning such a gaudy object is just plain obscene. Obviously, these so-called time pieces symbolize wealth and status. Of course for us dogs, the same is achieved by having the proper odor during our ritualistic butt sniffing. 

Quick and easy. Sniff, sniff and you know who's boss.

This?
Or that?
Same thing. Different price.

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

What To Do With Extra Face Masks?

Dear Dingo:
Now that most face mask mandates are lifted, I have a hell of a lot of extra face masks around the house. How can I re-purpose them?


Answer:
Let's start with the best. Chicken diapers.
Simply loop face mask bands around wings and viola!

Perhaps you own a duck?
Or catch a large bird that you would like to diaper in the house.


Then there is the face mask bikini--disposable, preventing soggy swim suits in your carry on bags!


Agreed, that the male version is not as appealing.



Or maybe you have a small animal in need of a parachute?




Friday, March 11, 2022

The Fallacy of the Human Mind

 Dear Dingo:

If humans are really superior to the "beasts", why are there so many murderous dictators, school shooters, bullies and other assorted killers amongst you?

Answer:

Here's what you need to hear from my canine snout:


Humans are
 not robots, but fragile organisms. Brains break, emotions rule and masses get manipulated. People are motivated by greed, sex, power and sugar. The same as a common grey squirrel. Basically, humans are squirrels with cars and handbags, except that squirrels are statistically less likely to suffer with mental health issues, opioid addiction or own a gun.

Yet, human geopolitical decisions hinge on the preposterous notion that global leaders will have stable thoughts. Even crazier, liberal democracies assume voters will be educated and sane.

Brains malfunction and misfire yet still has access to weapons, cars, facebook, babies and beer.

Here's something (according to John Hopkins and CDC) for you bipeds to chew on:

26% of Americans suffers from a mental health disorder per year

1 in 4 people over the age of 25 will be affected by stroke

Each year 1.5 million Americans suffer a Traumatic Brain Injury

13.9% percent of those over the age of 71 have some sort of dementia

1 in 10 Americans report having a significant drug abuse issue at some point in their lives

Even without a cognitive or mental health crisis, all people are capable of being sucked into assorted propaganda, magical thinking, cults, hypnosis or white claw.

It's not a bad thing to be flexible or agnostic. But the willingness to blindly guzzle social media, crazed podcasts, fake videos and news for profit will be the downfall of humanity.

But no worries! As the human race becomes more divided, raging and slaughtering one another , the rats and roaches are awaiting their turn to rule the earth.

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

And Now: Health Recommendations from DeSantis !

That's right boys and girls, our leading national health expert-- Ron DsSantis has even more recommendations for your optimal health!

1- If you ever find yourself under the knife, make sure to tell the good doctors and hospital staff--take off those damn masks! They aren't doing anything!

(don't forget to mask shame your dentist, dental hygienist and friendly proctologist)

2- When driving at high speeds, remove those damn nanny state seat belts. This is America! The safety theater has to end at some point!

3- Same goes for drinking and driving. How many bartenders have lost their jobs  due to madd moms taking away your constitutional right to drink and drive??

*Brought to you by DeSantis 2024! Make America Florida


 

Historical Map for Tucker Carlson


If Tucker C. thinks Ukraine isn't a real country, by that logic--the USA isn't real either. Just ask Mexico!

Monday, February 28, 2022

Create a Congressional Competency Test for Lauren B.

Dear Dingo:

What is the deal with Rep. Lauren Boebert?

How is a high school drop out, with so little analytical ability in a position of power? Why do teachers, lawyers, veterinarians, police,  etc, etc.... take some sort of test assessing knowledge, (or at least must prove mental stability), yet our important elected officials do not? 

Answer:

Puzzling indeed. The founding fathers simply expected voters and those running for office to be educated and stable.  Back in the day, nut jobs like Lauren Boebert or Marjorie Greene knew their place--they were stuffed in a back room somewhere, living their best life as "crazy auntie".

 There needs to be a congressional competency test. And pro tip: make it more challenging than:  "Person, woman, man, camera, TV" .  



 

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Behind the Scenes at Fox News

Any fine fly on the wall at a fox news meeting would probably report the following:

2-23-2022

Fox Executive: "Remember, no matter what Putin pulls, our policy is -- JBB! 
                     (aka:  Just Blame Biden)"

News guy#1: "So if Biden imposes strong sanctions on Russia?"

Fox Executive: "Cut to Tucker Carlson tirade mode-Hunter Biden's laptop!!                     International meddling!! Putin is just a peaceful guy!!

News Guys #2 : "And if the sanctions are not that strong?"

Fox Executive: "Everyone repeats: Biden is weak! Biden is weak!"

News Guys #1--"Got it-- no matter if Biden is weak or strong, he is wrong?"

Fox Executive: "Yes! --Putin seeding international chaos, violence, & discord always                    comes second to our ratings". Meeting adjourned!