If You Don't Have a Food Issue, Please Excuse Yourself

Oh dear. I have discovered that within nine measly months of living in the Portland vicinity, my understanding of American social norms is already wildly eroding.
I suppose it was once called "dining etiquette". That byzantine notion that refusing a particular meal or offer of food is considered rather rude. Scandalous even.
Not so here....
In Portland, the old rudeness table has been flipped right over, legs upright with not much of the old ideas clinging to it all. In fact, every self respecting hipster knows that the hosts are always to blame for the rude behavior in a meal exchange!  Tisk, tisk..
In order to avoid host negligence (for those not enlightened to West Coast customs), let me clarify:
Offers of sugary sweets: are you trying to kill a diabetic?
Serving soda: what are you, white trash?
Serving white bread: worse than soda. (Tip: Unless you want to be ironically unhealthy, --then offer to pass a Hookah instead)
Offering peanuts: are you trying to kill my kid?
Milk products: "no cow". **Unless grassfed, otherwise go goat or cashew.
Meat: Always allow 5 minutes for vegans to exit the room first. Local meat is ok, as are strange German entrail sausages . Or anything from a café only known as "PIG". (Again: it's fine if it's ironic.)
Beer and Wine: Make sure 32 varieties are available, including gluten free and cider. Eugene or Seattle are not local enough. Must have a creepy picture on the label, or perhaps sasquatch.

Maybe it all sounds exhausting, but it's actually quite fun!  You just start to embrace the quirks and self righteous eccentricity...Why not overanalyze your food in Oregon??
Where else can you enjoy the cognitive challenge of the allergen free, locally sourced office party? (Yes, we honestly made hand picked heirloom apple pie, with gluten free, no sugar crust).
Or the overly friendly (aka stoned) neighbors bringing over their Christmas cheer--accompanied with a long winded ingredient list --assuring everyone that no one will (intentionally) die with consumption. (We all know that those that don't list ingredients are sociopaths).
Proper etiquette includes long preparation. As my husband's diligent co-worker did by spending hours designing a computer spreadsheet for an office road trip- in order to prepare "paleo pescatarian" meals for the road. (Needles to say he got a bonus).

Is it any surprise then, that even the local strip club advertises: Gluten Free Lap Dances?  I am sure they are also quite probiotic....