One of the sad, but true, clichés about suburbia, is batshit human inhabitants bizarrely becoming obsessed with wildlife entering their manicured fortresses....
Either they want more critters (bring on the bird feeders!) or less (got to trap those pesky raccoons!) The thing is: you must regain control of your kingdom!! This is key, nobody is ever happy simply letting things be..
Aaah, and at first I too enjoyed scoffing at the soft suburban ignoramus. Mildly amused at the bored old man feeding "his" squirrels. Or rolling my eyes at the nutty neighbor "battling a vicious mole"
But then came the ducks. First of all, let me clarify: I love ducks!! But not in the friggin pool ! Not only is our yard the worst place ever to build a nest (dog alert!) Secondly (and let's be honest--this is the worst part) they can poop up a pool in a matter of mere minutes.
These mallards full of moxy started arriving on April 1st (ha, jokes on me!) And their utter disregard for barking dogs and screaming humans (moi) was most infuriating. After some searching online--the Google recommended floating all sorts of inflatable toys in the pool. No problem then: beach balls, loungers, etc. all were deployed to action.
Next day: ducks are back in the pool. Added myler balloons, as apparently that scares them off...not my ducks--back again, with lavish green excrement everywhere.
Lastly, we brought out the big guns: Giant sized beach ball! (At this point, the pool looks like we are having the best party ever, except we're not). And yet again, the ducks returned.
With all other options exhausted, we discovered the most effective way to use our floating beach party against the ducks-- Projectiles! Certainly, the neighbors can hear us through the fence---those mad duck abusers, throwing beach balls at poor ducks, but hey-- they leave! ( Note: no ducks were harmed.)
Yet, the kingdom was still not safe. As I was partaking in my morning ritual of scooping duck poop out of the pool, I noticed a big black raven hanging out at our little goldfish pond. Just like the ducks, he/she seemed completely undeterred by my presence.
I tried to ignore it, (let it be!) but a few minutes later hear it loudly screeching: "kra, kra, kra". He is picking at something yellowish and loudly bragging about it. All of a sudden, another raven friend shows up to join him-- at which point, I approach the big black birds, only to see --he is eating one of my goldfish!!!!
Damn it, I grabbed the hose and tried squirting the raven, but of course the bird takes off and sits on the fence, annoyed and staring me down. I continue to aim the hose at him (which is squirting water all over the street-- hitting the confused joggers behind our fence! ) Yet the water keeps missing the clever raven, as he flies this way and that --mocking my game of "dodge hose".
I quickly grabbed the remains of the poor little goldfish and buried it (no more meal for trespassers!) before grabbing the hose again... As it is obvious the raven can count there are still 5 fish left and he has returned for more!
I retreat to the garage to grab the deer netting (which I have to keep the hawks off my chickens). Quickly cover the pond, and not one minute later --the darn raven is at its side again--eyeing my contraption... Because birds have incredibly good eye sight, I watch him hop around the pond examining every angle of approach. (he's too smart to actually try and go for it). After some careful thought the raven leaves. Hurray! One point for the deranged human!
Yet he won't let me off easy--he returns with 3 other ravens (no joke) who land all around the yard to squawk at me! Holy cow--What kind of bird horror world am I residing in??? Finally, they leave, as their message : "we'll be back, inferior human", rings loud and clear.
I assume this is how the journey begins-- the mad path to becoming the neighborhood crazy lady...
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