Living in Modern Mayberry

I believe everyone knows exactly what I mean by "Mayberry". Oh you know that faux small town community portrayed on TV. The one with the friendly folk that are always stuck in circa 1950... Oh how the big city newspapers love to insist these communities just don't exist anymore....Then proceed to write up all sorts of overly analytical articles about the demise of free range children and good old fashioned community. Bah. It's all right here and I am living the "dream".
We fell ass backwards into Mayberry 2016, so I know what makes it tick.
The formula is rather simple:

1--Make sure you hit the economic "sweet spot". That means a community where folks can afford their mortgage in a safe area, BUT are also happily unmotivated. In other words, a neighborhood where people actually don't want professional landscaping, luxury cars and McMansions, therefore willingly live as: single income families....The SIFs

2- Single income families instantly create herds of free range children--why? Because nobody can afford after school care, organized sports, smartphones for kids or assorted lessons. Some adult is always around, getting exasperated and sending the kids outside to 'play', which really means: neighborhood nerf wars (the modern day cowboys and Indians), stealing apples and chucking them (apparently into my pool), having helmet free bike racing contests, or just generally running around barefoot in the street.

3- Make sure you live in Oregon. Where A) Pot is legal and B) Wine is considered health food. That takes you back to #1-- (see unmotivated community) and #2 (see exasperated parents) and leads to point #4.

4- Always plan an extra 10 minutes to get anywhere at all---The crazy friendly neighbors will stop you as you attempt to run to your car-- insisting on asking about your day, week, year, vacation plans and fertility. After that, you have to discuss why the lawn looks splotchy this year. When you finally do make it to the car, drive only 3 miles an hour to avoid the barefoot children. Being in a hurry is considered rude.

5- Take careful notes. In Mayberry not only do you need to know the names of your neighbors, you need to know their kids and freakin pets. I know the names of all my neighbors' dogs, their associated barks and which one crapped the lawn.

6- Everyone must have a craft activity. Not because it's a good hobby, but because your neighbors will be bringing you their crafty creations during the holidays. So if you can't make salsa, hand salve or beeswax candles, do what I do--purchase gifts and apologize.

7- All in all, remember --Mayberry is an exhausting place to live. There will be Frisbees on your roof, endless gossip, loose senior citizens, pets and second hand marijuana. Enjoy.