You Don't Want to Live Here!

I was thinking about some of the more disgusting tasks that seem to pop up during my day, and felt it was actually "nasty list" worthy:

1- Worm scooping. Nobody tells you that when you get a pool that it is actually an earthworm suicide emporium. It doesn't happen during the summer, but starting in October, lasting through March, every rainstorm brings out the worms ! (I read this is because they fear flooding). So they BOLT from the earth (as fast as worms can do) and leap right into the pool. Something to do with the slope (worm brains after all)--But let me tell you-- in wet, muddy and warmish Oregon--this means you can easily obtain 50 dead earthworms at the bottom of the pool! Added bonus--drowned earth worms project a ghastly white coloring...

2- Bird foot detanglement. In the spirit of morbidity, let me rehash a more recent event. I thought it was a good idea to cover our garden pond with deer netting--hoping to spare the gold fish from certain death by crow...Instead, the netting soon trapped a careless sparrow--tangling it's leg in the mesh and culminating in a violent drowning... I can't seem to keep anything alive at the fish pond!

3- Chicken butts. As my chickens are bantam versions (smallish silkies) I am always worrying about their 'egg vent'. Those small birds can produce some pretty large eggs-!! And thus are constantly at risk for "egg binding" (think baby stuck in birth canal). Needless to say, one of the ways to help the poor chicken experiencing this phenomena, is to insert some KY Jelly, and lubricate the "vent" and egg. Thankfully, I have yet to experience this task-- but hope to pass it on to my husband...

4- Dog Butts. Another theme here. My elderly dog seems to be having difficulty knowing when she needs to defecate and going potty in a timely fashion. As I was reading online for some advice, one suggestion was to place an ice cube on her fecal vent (ha!). Supposedly, this trick would cause instant poop on command.. All I can think of is the poor dog (who would most likely just wind up with an ice cube frozen to her butt) saying : "wtf are you doing to me now??"
Again, I will suggest this task to hubby, right after he lubes the chickens... 

So Where are the Obese kids ?

As I was reading the news the other day, scanning the headlines about the never-ending obesity epidemic, my son walked by and nonchalantly leaned over my shoulder...
"Obesity epidemic, huh?", he commented.
"No kids like that at my school". Then he casually strolled off...
Hmmm? Could he be right??? I thought to myself, as I tried to visualize the last school assembly at his primary school...
I closed my eyes and imagined all the bobbing heads, the 300 squiggling children...And couldn't picture a single portly one.
Good grief, with all the freakin studies, and health campaigns and blaming genetics or the family dog, nobody has the guts to say: "childhood obesity does not exist in high income neighborhoods!?!" (yes, yes I happened to fall ass backwards into a snooty town). But at least I can admit the town exists!!
So why are we wasting billions on failing health campaigns without admitting the 'inconvenient economic truth' ?? Why not just ask the snobby 'well-to-do" what they are doing differently?
Scanning the research, maybe a few articles here and there mention that "lack of education" plays a role, but it is always treated as an afterthought.. Never, ever as to why the less educated choose or feel they can't choose different lifestyles...

The controversial Mercola website (and Dr. Lustig) blame sugar--and I agree--the sugar lobby is hiding behind its own big butt! Never admitting that the one REAL lifestyle change in the USA over the past 65 years has been a crazy increase in refined sugar consumption...Not to mention it's dangerous addictive properties, and is it changing the gut biome?

Not too long ago, before I moved to "snooty town USA", I too lived in a place with a lot more heavy children. The one thing that really stuck out was their intense desire to eat (and it sure wasn't broccoli they wanted). At the state fair, grocery or shopping mall, I observed that these particular children had a strange preoccupation (and almost crazed excitement) when they saw ice cream, candy, cookies, etc.... And this intense desire always seemed to resonate with the parents, who would quickly hand them a goodie.. (When was the last time you saw a kid chewing on a glazed doughnut while riding in a Whole Foods shopping cart?)

If this epidemic is really hurting so many people, and costing so much money--at the very least people need to start having this honest conversation. Food (ha!) for thought!

So I'm Becoming the Crazy Lady

One of the sad, but true, clichés about suburbia, is batshit human inhabitants bizarrely becoming obsessed with wildlife entering their manicured fortresses....
Either they want more critters (bring on the bird feeders!) or less (got to trap those pesky raccoons!) The thing is: you must regain control of your kingdom!! This is key, nobody is ever happy simply letting things be..

Aaah, and at first I too enjoyed scoffing at the soft suburban ignoramus. Mildly amused at the bored old man feeding "his" squirrels. Or rolling my eyes at the nutty neighbor "battling a vicious mole"

But then came the ducks. First of all, let me clarify: I love ducks!! But not in the friggin pool ! Not only is our yard the worst place ever to build a nest (dog alert!) Secondly (and let's be honest--this is the worst part) they can poop up a pool in a matter of mere minutes.

These mallards full of moxy started arriving on April 1st (ha, jokes on me!) And their utter disregard for barking dogs and screaming humans (moi) was most infuriating. After some searching online--the Google recommended floating all sorts of inflatable toys in the pool. No problem then: beach balls, loungers, etc. all were deployed to action.

Next day: ducks are back in the pool. Added myler balloons, as apparently that scares them off...not my ducks--back again, with lavish green excrement everywhere.

Lastly, we brought out the big guns: Giant sized beach ball! (At this point, the pool looks like we are having the best party ever, except we're not). And yet again, the ducks returned.

With all other options exhausted, we discovered the most effective way to use our floating beach party against the ducks-- Projectiles! Certainly, the neighbors can hear us through the fence---those mad duck abusers, throwing beach balls at poor ducks, but hey--  they leave! ( Note: no ducks were harmed.)

Yet, the kingdom was still not safe.  As I was partaking in my morning ritual of scooping duck poop out of the pool, I noticed a big black raven hanging out at our little goldfish pond. Just like the ducks, he/she seemed completely undeterred by my presence.

I tried to ignore it, (let it be!) but a few minutes later hear it loudly screeching: "kra, kra, kra". He is picking at something yellowish and loudly bragging about it.  All of a sudden, another raven friend shows up to join him-- at which point, I approach the big black birds, only to see --he is eating one of my goldfish!!!!

Damn it, I grabbed the hose and tried squirting the raven, but of course the bird takes off and sits on the fence, annoyed and staring me down. I continue to aim the hose at him (which is squirting water all over the street-- hitting the confused joggers behind our fence! ) Yet the water keeps missing the clever raven, as he flies this way and that --mocking my game of "dodge hose".

I quickly grabbed the remains of the poor little goldfish and buried it (no more meal for trespassers!) before grabbing the hose again... As it is obvious the raven can count there are still 5 fish left and he has returned for more!

 I retreat to the garage to grab the deer netting (which I have to keep the hawks off my chickens). Quickly cover the pond, and not one minute later --the darn raven is at its side again--eyeing my contraption... Because birds have incredibly good eye sight, I watch him hop around the pond examining every angle of approach. (he's too smart to actually try and go for it). After some careful thought the raven leaves. Hurray! One point for the deranged human!

Yet he won't let me off easy--he returns with 3 other ravens (no joke) who land all around the yard to squawk at me! Holy cow--What kind of bird horror world am I residing in??? Finally, they leave, as their message : "we'll be back, inferior human", rings loud and clear.

I assume this is how the journey begins--  the mad path to becoming the neighborhood crazy lady...

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Dogs Don't Do Democracy

Like it or not, all domestic dogs are simply mutant little wolves.. Of course you don't need to tell the dogs this --they already know they are mini wolves, just ask any terrorized neighborhood squirrel!! And like all good pack animals, canines look for leadership within their group--accepting the alpha female and male will set the rules, stay calm and keep the pack out of harms way. Does the pack come together and try to "out vote" the alpha? No it doesn't. They already know that the "collective will of the wolves" may not get the pack far.
Humans, on the other hand, don't get this logic at all.

We like to *pretend* that humans are all rational, good, intelligent creatures with amazing decision making capacities! Yes! Let's follow the will of the people and see where this goes...
Well it goes something like this: organize a "democratic online vote" to choose a name for a scientific research ship. What do you get?? Boaty McBoatface.
Or how about ask a state with more horny men citizens than women to elect a governor, what do you get ?? Sarah Palin.
Then ask a bunch of angry white republicans to vote for a candidate, and of course you get the Trumpster.
The will of the people is crazy and immature. Why do we have an obesity and diabetes crisis in the USA? Because people can't keep their hands off sugar. They aren't overdosing on broccoli and poached salmon, now are they?? (Addicted to cauliflower--story at 11:00!)
And what ever happened to educational TV?? Replaced by porn.
That's a true democracy folks. Home of the Kardashians and deep fried twinkies...

White Dog, Black Chicken

Remember the news story about Rachel, the former NAACP leader, who identified as transracial, i.e. black, while being born "white"?? People went bananas , so angry about this "deranged" woman. Yet, I still don't understand why anybody would care....Worst of all-- the outrage seemed focused on the fact that she dared to look "blacker" than she was! (by tanning, oh my!)

I have one dog with pink skin, and one dog with black skin (yes, you have to dig in the fur to see--but it's there!) Raised two white skinned chickens, one with black feathers--and now have two black skinned chickens, with blue ears!! Does anyone talk about my multiracial chicken emporium?  Unfortunately, no...Not even the chickens...No scandal here.

 Anyone who travels to South America would be mesmerized by their total disregard for "race". Tons of mixed marriages and offspring, every color shade you can imagine, and do you know why? Because people who's ancestors were raised in warm sunny climates are darker (gasp!) than those that come from less sunny climates! (yes, those fair skinned Europeans they happened to mate with). It's about vitamin D absorption people, yet we use this as a way to actually categorize people !!!

It's about as logical as grouping folks by their lactose intolerance, red hair, or hairy chests...Imagine school and doctor forms with "Check here for racial group": Hairy, Stout, Freckled or Curly haired.

As a mom, I never saw any logic to racism and we simply told our son: race is a biological adaptation that people have hangs up about... Skin color has only to do with your ancient ancestor’s proximity to the sun! We were all once black, moved north and lost our color to absorb vitamin D in a cloudier climate, so we wouldn't die.

But of course, this results in my poor boy asking me throughout the summer (as his skin darkens with the sun) Am I Mexican this week ? Or with an even darker tan—am I black? So yes, we can all be temporarily black, or brown...But (sigh) still can't get those blue chicken ears, no matter how hard I try...

 

 

Surving the Suburbs Part 2

As I continue to explore ways to keep myself from leaping off a bridge while living in the burbs, I do need to count my lucky stars that at least I reside in the Portland suburbs-
More ways to keep yourself amused:

1) Place chickens in the garage.
Being Portland after all, small livestock (like hens--not roosters) are always welcome. As I couldn't stand to get just any old chickens and needed the fluffy, extra toed Silkie kind-- I happened upon a man selling indoor chickens (that's right- diaper wearing, TV watching fowl). As I am actually against the idea of poultry panties, I compromised by allowing these delicate ladies to spend the night in the garage (while they quietly sleep inside a cat carrier)...All is well until morning--then all hell breaks loose as they start their turbulent squawking.  Often because at least one of the hens has laid an egg and needs to sing her "egg song"...Needless to say--this instantly wins me the award for "weirdest sound emitting from a suburban garage."

2) Alternative pet medicine.
It didn't take long for me to naturally accept the Portlandia way of life. After about the third recommendation for Dear Dingo dog to start acupuncture--for alleviating aging back issues, I sought out the nearest holistic vet. Not surprisingly, there are many near Portland!  Alas, once the vet began her visit with my dear dog, she deemed Dingo's "arctic nature", (also known as aggression) made her a bad candidate for having needles placed in her spine. (Imagine that!) Thus the vet performed reiki instead. That's right--"healing touch" performed on a dog.  But if nothing else, at least it wasn't boring. Points for that!

Bring on the Gender Neutral Bathrooms!

Quite a few years ago, I was visiting some night clubs in Eastern Europe. These large venues were quite crowded, and when it was my time to seek the appropriate latrine, I  couldn't locate the women's restrooms. What I did find, to my bemusement, was a long line of young ladies and men patiently waiting their turn at the (gasp!) gender neutral bathroom stalls...
I watched in utter amazement, as nobody even questioned the ability of men and women to pee next to one another without incident. After using the facilities, I was pretty jealous--these women didn't need to stand in those awful long-ass women's restroom lines!!! Could there really be another way? Aren't we women doomed to stand in long bathroom lines--always 4 times longer than those of men---as is customary at any large US event??
I call for anarchy!--Rip those pesky "men/women" signs right off all the doors of bathrooms across America!!
Everyone will benefit:

1- First of all--Let's talk about the crazy conservative myth, with their ads that "creepy men will follow your little girl into the gender neutral potty".
Well guess what folks? As the mother of a little boy-- I have had to watch creepy men follow him into the "men's only" bathroom time after time. I am not allowed to monitor the situation at all, and must stand like some sort of crazed freak outside the door, calling out "are you ok?" every thirty seconds. Meanwhile (true story) said creepy man walks out and tells me: "don't worry, I was watching your little boy, he is doing fine"... I know the man meant well, but yikes--bad choice of words to crazed mom!

2- Perhaps some women are concerned that they don't feel safe around men in restrooms. Well isn't this actually a problem that needs to be discussed regarding men? Is it easier to just shove them in their own bathroom stalls than seriously address violence against women?? (That's just good old men!) The thing is, in a crowded bathroom, it really won't make a difference in safety. And in a desolate lonely one--who is stopping this violent man from just hiding out in the womens' bathroom in the first place? Nobody is really standing guard at the door...(except crazed mom, see previous)

3- Men don't know what women are up to. Case in point: Donald Trump feels that women do grosser things in bathrooms than men do. So maybe it is time to bring on the "potty awareness movement" where the sexes need to endure one another so we can stop thinking that one is grosser than another. Who knows? Maybe men will even start washing their hands more! (and on this one, men are the grosser sex...) 





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