Broody Chicken Go!

I have no desire to even bother figuring out what all the Pokey Man hype is about, mostly because I am completely absorbed in my own (and much more realistic) virtual reality game.
Here's how to play:

1- Acquire a peculiar strain of chicken (like a 6 toed Silkie chicken!) That happens to have its brooding instinct intact. What is a "brooding instinct" you ask?? Well it is a bird's biological clock that switches on and tells her "time to sit on those damn eggs!" Almost all domestic chickens have had this instinct bred out of them, but not Silkie hens!! So you get to enjoy all the fun of playing "psycho chicken"-- aka: Broody Chicken Go!

2- You will know that your chicken has gone broody when it gets into the nest and never, ever comes out. You can remove the eggs--nothing changes--back in nest. You can also tell your chicken is "broody" because A) they become nasty B) they are "hot". Not sexy hot--just hot to the touch!! Nature's true incubators...their body temperature actually goes up to feverish!

3- Finding the broody chicken is not the hard part--making her "GO" is. Like "get off the nest and go outside--you ain't having any imaginary babies." The fun part is that the chicken will not listen to you. So you try and remove the hot-to-the-touch chicken and they will peck you, if not you--then they will peck the other chickens and blame them for everything wrong with their world. (One chicken blogger refers to this stage as "chicken PMS").

4- One way to distract your hormone crazed broody chicken is to keep scattering treats in the yard. The logic here is, that the more they run around in the fresh air, they will actually cool down and reverse the bizarre cycle...But this requires more "go" from me, as I throw cracked corn, grapes and seeds into the enclosure on a frequent schedule.

5- Lastly, be sure to avoid obstacles. Just today, as I was scattering treats in proper urban farmer attire (bohemian skirt and dangly ethnic earrings) I completely entangled myself in the deer netting above the chicken run. My earring was hopelessly caught and twisted in the netting, trapping me in said chicken yard. In the meantime, a contractor was scheduled to arrive at any moment to install a new bedroom door. As I pondered how to explain, "sorry I can't come to the door right now-- I am trapped in deer netting"...I managed to sacrifice the jewelry piece in order to escape the hormone crazed broody chicken about to attack my shins...Now that's a real "GO" game!!!

Make America White Trash Again?

Once again, I began my gentle morning by being sucked into some knee-jerk internet headline. Today's nonsense story involved some no-name congressional candidate in  rural Tennessee, who thought it would be a grand idea to pay for a giant racist billboard!

It stated: 'Make America White Again!' In other words, before those pesky immigrants came trotting in, white skinned folk had no problems whatsoever!!
My goodness.

I always have one simple answer to these white supremacist types:
Please, please spend a week at a white trash trailer park, encampment, or back woods whatever. (Or since it is habituated by the 'awesome whites', shall we call it a resort??)

Lucky for me, I got to spend a few years working with the 'great American white folks' of rural Mat-Su Borough up in Alaska. Yes, with the permanent school bus dwelling, plywood home building, meth lab producing grand Americans.

At first, as a naïve young person, I thought I could help them through social service programs... How about building accessible features to their trailers? Providing teeth (yes, did this with a grant). Encourage job programs?...But no, nothing helped. The sad truth is, that there is an underbelly of society. (Regardless of your skin color!) Those that have been brought up with so much dysfunction, disability, lack of health care, sanitation and disregard for education that it is impossible to even know how to help them.

Can any white supremacist explain, how whole neighborhoods of "white folks" can wind up hooked on Doritos and drugs, leaving babies in diapers for days at a time, living under blue tarps-- all without any interest whatsoever in accessing running water to bathe ? Why the abusers and pedophiles, violent criminals and arsonists were all white, white, white....

Can't blame the job market--Alaska has the most opportunities you will ever find...Or even the immigrants--they aren't exactly taking over the area either...Welfare state? I say "ha", these folks could barely find the office of children's services, let alone fill out an application...

I challenge any supremacist to please figure out how to help the lost white folks, before running around announcing that lack of pigmentation leads to greatness...

You Don't Want to Live Here!

I was thinking about some of the more disgusting tasks that seem to pop up during my day, and felt it was actually "nasty list" worthy:

1- Worm scooping. Nobody tells you that when you get a pool that it is actually an earthworm suicide emporium. It doesn't happen during the summer, but starting in October, lasting through March, every rainstorm brings out the worms ! (I read this is because they fear flooding). So they BOLT from the earth (as fast as worms can do) and leap right into the pool. Something to do with the slope (worm brains after all)--But let me tell you-- in wet, muddy and warmish Oregon--this means you can easily obtain 50 dead earthworms at the bottom of the pool! Added bonus--drowned earth worms project a ghastly white coloring...

2- Bird foot detanglement. In the spirit of morbidity, let me rehash a more recent event. I thought it was a good idea to cover our garden pond with deer netting--hoping to spare the gold fish from certain death by crow...Instead, the netting soon trapped a careless sparrow--tangling it's leg in the mesh and culminating in a violent drowning... I can't seem to keep anything alive at the fish pond!

3- Chicken butts. As my chickens are bantam versions (smallish silkies) I am always worrying about their 'egg vent'. Those small birds can produce some pretty large eggs-!! And thus are constantly at risk for "egg binding" (think baby stuck in birth canal). Needless to say, one of the ways to help the poor chicken experiencing this phenomena, is to insert some KY Jelly, and lubricate the "vent" and egg. Thankfully, I have yet to experience this task-- but hope to pass it on to my husband...

4- Dog Butts. Another theme here. My elderly dog seems to be having difficulty knowing when she needs to defecate and going potty in a timely fashion. As I was reading online for some advice, one suggestion was to place an ice cube on her fecal vent (ha!). Supposedly, this trick would cause instant poop on command.. All I can think of is the poor dog (who would most likely just wind up with an ice cube frozen to her butt) saying : "wtf are you doing to me now??"
Again, I will suggest this task to hubby, right after he lubes the chickens... 

So Where are the Obese kids ?

As I was reading the news the other day, scanning the headlines about the never-ending obesity epidemic, my son walked by and nonchalantly leaned over my shoulder...
"Obesity epidemic, huh?", he commented.
"No kids like that at my school". Then he casually strolled off...
Hmmm? Could he be right??? I thought to myself, as I tried to visualize the last school assembly at his primary school...
I closed my eyes and imagined all the bobbing heads, the 300 squiggling children...And couldn't picture a single portly one.
Good grief, with all the freakin studies, and health campaigns and blaming genetics or the family dog, nobody has the guts to say: "childhood obesity does not exist in high income neighborhoods!?!" (yes, yes I happened to fall ass backwards into a snooty town). But at least I can admit the town exists!!
So why are we wasting billions on failing health campaigns without admitting the 'inconvenient economic truth' ?? Why not just ask the snobby 'well-to-do" what they are doing differently?
Scanning the research, maybe a few articles here and there mention that "lack of education" plays a role, but it is always treated as an afterthought.. Never, ever as to why the less educated choose or feel they can't choose different lifestyles...

The controversial Mercola website (and Dr. Lustig) blame sugar--and I agree--the sugar lobby is hiding behind its own big butt! Never admitting that the one REAL lifestyle change in the USA over the past 65 years has been a crazy increase in refined sugar consumption...Not to mention it's dangerous addictive properties, and is it changing the gut biome?

Not too long ago, before I moved to "snooty town USA", I too lived in a place with a lot more heavy children. The one thing that really stuck out was their intense desire to eat (and it sure wasn't broccoli they wanted). At the state fair, grocery or shopping mall, I observed that these particular children had a strange preoccupation (and almost crazed excitement) when they saw ice cream, candy, cookies, etc.... And this intense desire always seemed to resonate with the parents, who would quickly hand them a goodie.. (When was the last time you saw a kid chewing on a glazed doughnut while riding in a Whole Foods shopping cart?)

If this epidemic is really hurting so many people, and costing so much money--at the very least people need to start having this honest conversation. Food (ha!) for thought!

So I'm Becoming the Crazy Lady

One of the sad, but true, clichés about suburbia, is batshit human inhabitants bizarrely becoming obsessed with wildlife entering their manicured fortresses....
Either they want more critters (bring on the bird feeders!) or less (got to trap those pesky raccoons!) The thing is: you must regain control of your kingdom!! This is key, nobody is ever happy simply letting things be..

Aaah, and at first I too enjoyed scoffing at the soft suburban ignoramus. Mildly amused at the bored old man feeding "his" squirrels. Or rolling my eyes at the nutty neighbor "battling a vicious mole"

But then came the ducks. First of all, let me clarify: I love ducks!! But not in the friggin pool ! Not only is our yard the worst place ever to build a nest (dog alert!) Secondly (and let's be honest--this is the worst part) they can poop up a pool in a matter of mere minutes.

These mallards full of moxy started arriving on April 1st (ha, jokes on me!) And their utter disregard for barking dogs and screaming humans (moi) was most infuriating. After some searching online--the Google recommended floating all sorts of inflatable toys in the pool. No problem then: beach balls, loungers, etc. all were deployed to action.

Next day: ducks are back in the pool. Added myler balloons, as apparently that scares them off...not my ducks--back again, with lavish green excrement everywhere.

Lastly, we brought out the big guns: Giant sized beach ball! (At this point, the pool looks like we are having the best party ever, except we're not). And yet again, the ducks returned.

With all other options exhausted, we discovered the most effective way to use our floating beach party against the ducks-- Projectiles! Certainly, the neighbors can hear us through the fence---those mad duck abusers, throwing beach balls at poor ducks, but hey--  they leave! ( Note: no ducks were harmed.)

Yet, the kingdom was still not safe.  As I was partaking in my morning ritual of scooping duck poop out of the pool, I noticed a big black raven hanging out at our little goldfish pond. Just like the ducks, he/she seemed completely undeterred by my presence.

I tried to ignore it, (let it be!) but a few minutes later hear it loudly screeching: "kra, kra, kra". He is picking at something yellowish and loudly bragging about it.  All of a sudden, another raven friend shows up to join him-- at which point, I approach the big black birds, only to see --he is eating one of my goldfish!!!!

Damn it, I grabbed the hose and tried squirting the raven, but of course the bird takes off and sits on the fence, annoyed and staring me down. I continue to aim the hose at him (which is squirting water all over the street-- hitting the confused joggers behind our fence! ) Yet the water keeps missing the clever raven, as he flies this way and that --mocking my game of "dodge hose".

I quickly grabbed the remains of the poor little goldfish and buried it (no more meal for trespassers!) before grabbing the hose again... As it is obvious the raven can count there are still 5 fish left and he has returned for more!

 I retreat to the garage to grab the deer netting (which I have to keep the hawks off my chickens). Quickly cover the pond, and not one minute later --the darn raven is at its side again--eyeing my contraption... Because birds have incredibly good eye sight, I watch him hop around the pond examining every angle of approach. (he's too smart to actually try and go for it). After some careful thought the raven leaves. Hurray! One point for the deranged human!

Yet he won't let me off easy--he returns with 3 other ravens (no joke) who land all around the yard to squawk at me! Holy cow--What kind of bird horror world am I residing in??? Finally, they leave, as their message : "we'll be back, inferior human", rings loud and clear.

I assume this is how the journey begins--  the mad path to becoming the neighborhood crazy lady...

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Dogs Don't Do Democracy

Like it or not, all domestic dogs are simply mutant little wolves.. Of course you don't need to tell the dogs this --they already know they are mini wolves, just ask any terrorized neighborhood squirrel!! And like all good pack animals, canines look for leadership within their group--accepting the alpha female and male will set the rules, stay calm and keep the pack out of harms way. Does the pack come together and try to "out vote" the alpha? No it doesn't. They already know that the "collective will of the wolves" may not get the pack far.
Humans, on the other hand, don't get this logic at all.

We like to *pretend* that humans are all rational, good, intelligent creatures with amazing decision making capacities! Yes! Let's follow the will of the people and see where this goes...
Well it goes something like this: organize a "democratic online vote" to choose a name for a scientific research ship. What do you get?? Boaty McBoatface.
Or how about ask a state with more horny men citizens than women to elect a governor, what do you get ?? Sarah Palin.
Then ask a bunch of angry white republicans to vote for a candidate, and of course you get the Trumpster.
The will of the people is crazy and immature. Why do we have an obesity and diabetes crisis in the USA? Because people can't keep their hands off sugar. They aren't overdosing on broccoli and poached salmon, now are they?? (Addicted to cauliflower--story at 11:00!)
And what ever happened to educational TV?? Replaced by porn.
That's a true democracy folks. Home of the Kardashians and deep fried twinkies...

White Dog, Black Chicken

Remember the news story about Rachel, the former NAACP leader, who identified as transracial, i.e. black, while being born "white"?? People went bananas , so angry about this "deranged" woman. Yet, I still don't understand why anybody would care....Worst of all-- the outrage seemed focused on the fact that she dared to look "blacker" than she was! (by tanning, oh my!)

I have one dog with pink skin, and one dog with black skin (yes, you have to dig in the fur to see--but it's there!) Raised two white skinned chickens, one with black feathers--and now have two black skinned chickens, with blue ears!! Does anyone talk about my multiracial chicken emporium?  Unfortunately, no...Not even the chickens...No scandal here.

 Anyone who travels to South America would be mesmerized by their total disregard for "race". Tons of mixed marriages and offspring, every color shade you can imagine, and do you know why? Because people who's ancestors were raised in warm sunny climates are darker (gasp!) than those that come from less sunny climates! (yes, those fair skinned Europeans they happened to mate with). It's about vitamin D absorption people, yet we use this as a way to actually categorize people !!!

It's about as logical as grouping folks by their lactose intolerance, red hair, or hairy chests...Imagine school and doctor forms with "Check here for racial group": Hairy, Stout, Freckled or Curly haired.

As a mom, I never saw any logic to racism and we simply told our son: race is a biological adaptation that people have hangs up about... Skin color has only to do with your ancient ancestor’s proximity to the sun! We were all once black, moved north and lost our color to absorb vitamin D in a cloudier climate, so we wouldn't die.

But of course, this results in my poor boy asking me throughout the summer (as his skin darkens with the sun) Am I Mexican this week ? Or with an even darker tan—am I black? So yes, we can all be temporarily black, or brown...But (sigh) still can't get those blue chicken ears, no matter how hard I try...