The Right State Rights

Dear Dingo:
I get really confused about State vs. Federal rights. Isn't it interpreted arbitrarily?

Answer:
Of course not! It is all so very logical.

There is a state rights fairy employed at the White House, whose sole job is to assign which states are considered bad, and which ones good. Hint: Blue is the bad color.

'Red' (i.e. good states) are allowed to have state rights. They can bitch and moan about the Federal Government 'overreaching' into their public land use. Or the red state of Ohio obviously has the right to ban abortion, regardless of Federal law.

Blue states (like California) on the other hand, have no such rights. They can not be allowed to set their own emission standards, and must be stopped by BIG government.

The fairy hopes to broaden her scope, and eliminate many more consumer protections! Hopefully, get rid of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau--(created to stop banks from exploiting those Americans that did not win the IQ lottery).  Because, after all, God created stupid people for the sole purpose of exploitation, therefore Government should never interfere with their divine right to be exploited.

The Revenge of the Climate Nerds

Dear Dingo:
I am shocked at the Americans who seem to believe that Climate scientists are lying ass fibbers...Making up research to obtain grant money? Who believes that? How can these trolls even function in today's world?

Answer:
They don't need to. As long as the dank basements they reside in have a stocked mini fridge and some sort of air hole, they survive. One thing is certain-- the trolls have never, ever met an actual living, breathing scientist in person. 
For them, scientists are mysterious and mythical creatures, much like the Yeti. Unsure if these beings are good or bad -- they turn to their Dicktator, who tweets that they are unethical, so it must be so!

The poor trolls somehow believe that climate scientists, who have spent their lives bullied as nerds, buried in books for years on end, obtained advanced degrees --for the sole purpose of making up facts for measly grant money !! The trolls are not aware there is a much easier way to spread misinformation--called creative writing or simply president.

The True Enemy is Your Pants

Dear Dingo:
Here in the Pacific Northwest it has become quite popular to ban plastic straws at all eating establishments. I find the new paper straws whimsical, but feel they are a fashion trend, not an actual solution to plastic waste. Will using paper (or metal) straws really help anything?

Answer:
Smart of you to ask a canine this, as dogs don't use plastic straws, cups or even forks for that matter! Animals are always eco, and those plastic poop baggies were never our idea!

That aside-- Americans do not really understand plastic waste. Your plastic straws probably get buried in a dump in Tacoma, not up a sea turtles nose. The great Pacific Garbage patch was/is mostly fed from Asian rivers, where plastic waste is dumped due to lack of garbage pick up or by overwhelmed recycling facilities.

But here is something to chew on: the jolly sea creatures fear your clothes more than your drinking straws.

35% of primary micro plastics in marine environments, come from textiles. 
That's right--your yoga pants (re: synthetic material) creates pollution and micro plastic run off -- that of course ends up in (where else?) Asian rivers that flow into the ocean. 

So Dingo recommends exercising in the buff (as she does) or at the very least, stop buying so many silly, non recyclable synthetic clothes to fill your ridiculous American closets with. Then go enjoy a cocktail with a wooden straw...

Parasite or Economy?

Dear Dingo:

I was researching the surge in homeowner mosquito spraying services (as consumers fear new mosquito borne viruses) and discovered that the chemical industry is actually pretty damn excited about climate change and the need to produce more pesticides!
How can we ever solve any environmental problems, if these problems inadvertently produce economic growth?

Answer:
Silly, silly human. Only now are you understanding that your "evolved" human economic systems are based on creating more problems, not solving them?

Imagine for a minute if every citizen of the developed world spontaneously gave up their cars, sodas, and lawns. Jogging to work from their sustainable tiny houses, all while stuffing themselves with organic produce grown in their very own rain gardens ? 
Jobs would disappear, the economy would collapse and we would have a lot more drum circles....

But alas, most people would not like this at all. They like wealth and employment opportunities. And employment comes from tearing down forests, building Mcmansions, and being sick.  Your anxiety, sleep deprivation, diabetes and all other health care --is the largest growth industry in the USA !! (a healthy herb sniffing hippie is useless to the economy)

Economists are not oncologists, they do not see that unlimited growth is also called cancer.

The Granolas are Coming

Dear Dingo:

I have seen bizarre signs in rural areas that "liberal legislators want to take your guns". There seems to be this notion, that a complex liberal plot has been hatched to go into people's homes and just take away their guns!  
But I don't get the logical conclusion of this argument. Then what? What are these liberals actually going to do to unarmed folk? 

Answer:
Well obviously the debates and political infighting of the Democratic party is a ruse! Simply a silly distraction --it makes them look conflicted and non-unified. But Alas! Bernie, Harris, Biden, Booker, Pelosi and Cortez are all one. Secretly meeting in dark kombucha bars to discuss their diabolical plan for world hippie dominance.
It will be their own special happy place of forced vegan burgers, uni-gender individuals, mosquito rights, and diaper free babies sporting fair trade amber teething rings.

Deepfakes and Democracy

Dear Dingo:
I fear the end of democracy is near. With "deepfake" videos, any political candidate (or citizen) can be falsely morphed into realistic video format. Nobody will be able to decipher reality in any shape or form. If we think ads are bad now--won't these fake AI videos be the complete end of our informed democracy? And history as we know it?

Answer:
YES.
But in the meantime--get on the bandwagon & use Deepfake to create alternate reality!

 Simply place any candidate that starts with a B (say Beto, Booker, Biden, Bernie...) and place their bodies over any Trump rally video. (some weight inflation will be necessary) Augment the voice and voila! Post on Youtube and old white men will be so completely confused, they won't be able to tell Trump's ass from Buttigieg's elbow....

Biden

Dear Dingo:
I am a bit worried about Joe Biden's "inappropriate touching" issues. Young liberals are just not comfortable with Joe's past regarding women.

Answer:
Do you even reside on earth?
Biden should touch women more, not less! Have you not noticed that Trump voters absolutely love, love a misogynic pig ! In their eyes it makes him a real man after all ;)
And while he's at it--perhaps Biden should mock a few disabled folks, ride an ATV to the border-- and build two walls-- all while eating a greasy cheeseburger !
Only thing Biden needs to do is convince some Wisconsin good old boys and cranky Floridians that he the more likeable pervert.
Enlightened blue state hipster opinions: will only get you elected dog catcher.