The Awesome Benefits of aTrump Presidency!

Cheer up folks ! A Trump presidency won't be all doom and gloom. Some of the hidden benefits we may expect in a Trump Fiefdom:

*Purple Hearts for the Promiscuous*
Yes, yes--Trump was quoted on the Howard Stern show, explaining his brave behavior dodging STD's --carelessly sleeping around has been his own personal "Vietnam War".
Now remember children: McCain is a "loser", BUT Trump is our well hung American hero!

*Medical Leave for Menstruation*
As Trump feels that menstruation is a vile, inexcusable activity, he will certainly offer paid medical leave to any menstruating woman. Preferably as she resides in a dark cave far, far away from him....

*Free Slot Machine Tokens*
How else is he going to fix the mess he made in Atlantic City?

*Medicaid Covered Boob Jobs*
Not only will breast implants become emergency medical procedures, so will all plastic surgery, face lifts, hair extensions and liposuction. Get in line girls.

*Less Restrictive Immigration*
Trump likes to talk about building walls, but secretly plans to make it easier to get into the USA...... That is if you are a hot underwear model ;)

Living in Modern Mayberry

I believe everyone knows exactly what I mean by "Mayberry". Oh you know that faux small town community portrayed on TV. The one with the friendly folk that are always stuck in circa 1950... Oh how the big city newspapers love to insist these communities just don't exist anymore....Then proceed to write up all sorts of overly analytical articles about the demise of free range children and good old fashioned community. Bah. It's all right here and I am living the "dream".
We fell ass backwards into Mayberry 2016, so I know what makes it tick.
The formula is rather simple:

1--Make sure you hit the economic "sweet spot". That means a community where folks can afford their mortgage in a safe area, BUT are also happily unmotivated. In other words, a neighborhood where people actually don't want professional landscaping, luxury cars and McMansions, therefore willingly live as: single income families....The SIFs

2- Single income families instantly create herds of free range children--why? Because nobody can afford after school care, organized sports, smartphones for kids or assorted lessons. Some adult is always around, getting exasperated and sending the kids outside to 'play', which really means: neighborhood nerf wars (the modern day cowboys and Indians), stealing apples and chucking them (apparently into my pool), having helmet free bike racing contests, or just generally running around barefoot in the street.

3- Make sure you live in Oregon. Where A) Pot is legal and B) Wine is considered health food. That takes you back to #1-- (see unmotivated community) and #2 (see exasperated parents) and leads to point #4.

4- Always plan an extra 10 minutes to get anywhere at all---The crazy friendly neighbors will stop you as you attempt to run to your car-- insisting on asking about your day, week, year, vacation plans and fertility. After that, you have to discuss why the lawn looks splotchy this year. When you finally do make it to the car, drive only 3 miles an hour to avoid the barefoot children. Being in a hurry is considered rude.

5- Take careful notes. In Mayberry not only do you need to know the names of your neighbors, you need to know their kids and freakin pets. I know the names of all my neighbors' dogs, their associated barks and which one crapped the lawn.

6- Everyone must have a craft activity. Not because it's a good hobby, but because your neighbors will be bringing you their crafty creations during the holidays. So if you can't make salsa, hand salve or beeswax candles, do what I do--purchase gifts and apologize.

7- All in all, remember --Mayberry is an exhausting place to live. There will be Frisbees on your roof, endless gossip, loose senior citizens, pets and second hand marijuana. Enjoy.

11 Stories and 120 Years Old

Big Medicine is out to kill us. Ok, ok , maybe not kill us (there isn't much profit in efficient ends now is there??) just incapacitate us greatly. If you don't know who I mean by "Big Medicine" is-- it's what everyone else calls "conventional" medical advice....

Now, I don't have a human anecdote today--but what I have is Dearest Dingo herself. All 16 years of her!! She's a husky shepherd type mix and we do know she is old, old, old.  I tried to convert her age into DOG years, using an online pedigree calculator. However, upon entering her size and breed mix, they claimed: "we do not have that calculation available" (!) In other words, they consider her an absolute anomaly...impossible to achieve... (I did look at another chart- that states she would be around 120 in human years).

Well anyway, my freak-of-nature dog had started to suffer from some weakness and arthritis in the back legs--already in 2015--when she was 14 1/2. I took her to a "conventional vet" that summer, who (of all things) diagnosed her with dementia for growling at him ! (Dingo hates all strangers --when she starts liking them--then she'll be demented). He also gave the standard medical advice: "she needs to take it easy" , no stairs, shorter walks, more resting, blah, blah. Heard it all before, from every well meaning individual...

A few months later, when she was 15, I took her to a "natural vet" for possible acupuncture to help her arthritic hind legs. But, darling Dingo wasn't going to have any of that (insert growl here). Instead, we were sent away with a container of Chinese herbs (which happened to make Dingo a bit crazy manic) and the same well meaning advice: "no stairs, take it easy, slow and steady"...

Well, it just so happens, that the only way to get into our fenced in backyard, is by using  stairs--so short of carrying the 65 pound Dingo, we had no choice but to incorporate the "evil" stairs into her daily jaunts and potty rituals. In addition to Dingo's daily step-aerobics, once the Oregon weather turned nice, she increasingly stayed outside and started taking longer and longer strolls....

Reluctantly, we continued taking Dingo on shortish hikes in the nearby woods (upon her insistence)--which surprisingly didn't seem to affect her stamina at all. In fact, we slowly started noticing that in the past 6 months, the ability to smoothly use her rear legs seemed to actually be improving. (note, she doesn't seem to need pain meds, but does take glucosamine and fish oil)

Which takes us to where we are today...This crazy 16 year old dog, just joined us on a hilly nature hike. Besides an awkward stumble into the river (because she was chasing a duck) we managed to get her home just fine, although at her own slow and steady pace. As it happened, we had one of those new fangled phones along, so just for giggles, I checked the fit app thingy....
So how long was the hike we took Dingo on? Here it is folks: 2.64 miles and 11 stories!! All because this crazy animal hasn't taken "it easy", but has literally worked her tail off keeping fit. 

Now, I am under no illusions that she is going to magically reverse the aging process, but holy crap, if she had 'taken it easy' as suggested, would she have been able to walk through the forest today and chase a duck at her age??  I'll let you decide....

Welcome to the Lower 48

So it's been a little over a year since we made the long, long trek from Alaska to Oregon.
I, as the chronically chilly female, am enjoying the nice, hot summer we have been having here. The other troops in our entourage are experiencing adaptation issues....

First martyr:
 The child--breaks out in heat rashes and bloody noses from sticking face in AC. Must sleep with wet towel on head, even when the air conditioning is on.

Auto #1 has developed a bizarre, impossible to diagnose overheating issue. It simply hates hot.

Ditto for auto #2. After installing AC (which was obviously unnecessary in Alaska) the whole computer system had a severe stroke. Most recent text from driver of said car (on 100 degree day) "Hello, vehicle lost its mind again, started flashing lights and the AC went off. Both of my phones overheated, then car proceeded to seize up in parking lot. Running late".

Lastly the dog. Every time she goes outdoors in 85 degree (or higher) temperatures, she begins panting with a maniacal urgency that we find unnerving. This panting may or may not lead to a mild seizure. 

We have found that shaving the dog helps cool her down. But how do you shave the cars??

Is the East Coast an Aflliction?

It is a well known fact, that every baby born and raised in the New York city vicinity is blessed by the Superior Fairy of the East. She flutters in to visit sassy NY newborns and whispers to them: "Welcome! Now remember to grow up strong, eat good pizza, and ignore the polluted air....and always, always remember--you are much better than those that were not born near NYC!"
With that she disappears.....an flies off to bless another spectacular babe born in the vicinity...
Having myself been a recipient of the attitude fairy, I went along life assuming that everyone knew the facts of life, i.e. that being from the East Coast grants you the right to be obnoxious and right (just look at the Trumpster).... So imagine my surprise, when I first overheard what my overly-friendly Oregonian neighbors truly pity: (that's right) New Yorkers!!

I could hear it in their hushed conversations, "Oh did you hear that man? His East Coast came out and he even raised his voice!"
Or how about: "Those New Yorkers anger so easily and just say what they want!"

After a few of these comments, I had to remind folks: "Well you know that I am from New Jersey"....
To which my doe eyed neighbor responded: "But in your case,  you seem to have been able to overcome it"...(well at least she noticed I had been trying)
Eek, so do these people consider it some sort of disease? A mental disorder perhaps?

Alas, yes-- it is considered a serious affliction, as my son's Oregonian grade school class will tell you. With no irony or apology, the recent class play was based solely on fighting off the villain who's main problem was: Being a ruthless developer from (where else?) New York!!! And the nice, sweet Oregon town folks eventually softened (cured) him with their excessive amount of (what else?) Niceness!

They can say it as sweetly as they want, but I know that whenever I see the bumper sticker---"Be nice, it's Oregon", what they are really saying is:
"We might be stoned, but at least we aren't evil East Coasters"...

Broody Chicken Go!

I have no desire to even bother figuring out what all the Pokey Man hype is about, mostly because I am completely absorbed in my own (and much more realistic) virtual reality game.
Here's how to play:

1- Acquire a peculiar strain of chicken (like a 6 toed Silkie chicken!) That happens to have its brooding instinct intact. What is a "brooding instinct" you ask?? Well it is a bird's biological clock that switches on and tells her "time to sit on those damn eggs!" Almost all domestic chickens have had this instinct bred out of them, but not Silkie hens!! So you get to enjoy all the fun of playing "psycho chicken"-- aka: Broody Chicken Go!

2- You will know that your chicken has gone broody when it gets into the nest and never, ever comes out. You can remove the eggs--nothing changes--back in nest. You can also tell your chicken is "broody" because A) they become nasty B) they are "hot". Not sexy hot--just hot to the touch!! Nature's true incubators...their body temperature actually goes up to feverish!

3- Finding the broody chicken is not the hard part--making her "GO" is. Like "get off the nest and go outside--you ain't having any imaginary babies." The fun part is that the chicken will not listen to you. So you try and remove the hot-to-the-touch chicken and they will peck you, if not you--then they will peck the other chickens and blame them for everything wrong with their world. (One chicken blogger refers to this stage as "chicken PMS").

4- One way to distract your hormone crazed broody chicken is to keep scattering treats in the yard. The logic here is, that the more they run around in the fresh air, they will actually cool down and reverse the bizarre cycle...But this requires more "go" from me, as I throw cracked corn, grapes and seeds into the enclosure on a frequent schedule.

5- Lastly, be sure to avoid obstacles. Just today, as I was scattering treats in proper urban farmer attire (bohemian skirt and dangly ethnic earrings) I completely entangled myself in the deer netting above the chicken run. My earring was hopelessly caught and twisted in the netting, trapping me in said chicken yard. In the meantime, a contractor was scheduled to arrive at any moment to install a new bedroom door. As I pondered how to explain, "sorry I can't come to the door right now-- I am trapped in deer netting"...I managed to sacrifice the jewelry piece in order to escape the hormone crazed broody chicken about to attack my shins...Now that's a real "GO" game!!!

Make America White Trash Again?

Once again, I began my gentle morning by being sucked into some knee-jerk internet headline. Today's nonsense story involved some no-name congressional candidate in  rural Tennessee, who thought it would be a grand idea to pay for a giant racist billboard!

It stated: 'Make America White Again!' In other words, before those pesky immigrants came trotting in, white skinned folk had no problems whatsoever!!
My goodness.

I always have one simple answer to these white supremacist types:
Please, please spend a week at a white trash trailer park, encampment, or back woods whatever. (Or since it is habituated by the 'awesome whites', shall we call it a resort??)

Lucky for me, I got to spend a few years working with the 'great American white folks' of rural Mat-Su Borough up in Alaska. Yes, with the permanent school bus dwelling, plywood home building, meth lab producing grand Americans.

At first, as a naïve young person, I thought I could help them through social service programs... How about building accessible features to their trailers? Providing teeth (yes, did this with a grant). Encourage job programs?...But no, nothing helped. The sad truth is, that there is an underbelly of society. (Regardless of your skin color!) Those that have been brought up with so much dysfunction, disability, lack of health care, sanitation and disregard for education that it is impossible to even know how to help them.

Can any white supremacist explain, how whole neighborhoods of "white folks" can wind up hooked on Doritos and drugs, leaving babies in diapers for days at a time, living under blue tarps-- all without any interest whatsoever in accessing running water to bathe ? Why the abusers and pedophiles, violent criminals and arsonists were all white, white, white....

Can't blame the job market--Alaska has the most opportunities you will ever find...Or even the immigrants--they aren't exactly taking over the area either...Welfare state? I say "ha", these folks could barely find the office of children's services, let alone fill out an application...

I challenge any supremacist to please figure out how to help the lost white folks, before running around announcing that lack of pigmentation leads to greatness...