Monday, September 21, 2015

First You Buy A Haunted House

As soon as we started sniffing around real estate in the Portland metro area, we were incessantly asked one question: "you do know about the market here?" 
Inducing buyers panic seemed to be the going game and the stories would spew forth --Ruthless bidding wars!!.. you'll never win!! You must send the sellers a picture of your dog and perhaps dance a jig ......
So we hurried, scurried and got a house. An enjoyable place, a tad quirky, perhaps a bit worn, but at least it had a (necessary) garden pond!
Interestingly enough, the home inspector failed to note that the appliances were possessed. First night in, 3:00 AM-- dishwasher decided it was a great time to begin washing phantom dishes. As I scurried upstairs to silence the machine, I was met by the largest spider I had ever seen. Upon closer inspection, discovered it and all its freakishly huge spidey friends resided right under the basement shower stall... wonderful. And (judging from their size) appeared to be radioactive.
Possibly linked to the wacked out microwave--which decided it was his turn to act up next--and proceeded to keep running and running until the whole thing needed to be unplugged. Did I mention the lights flickered? Of course the lights flicker, they love to flicker. Worse of all, the delightful little garden pond got in on the fun and made sure the water fall would randomly turn on and off!! It was no secret. This house did not like me.
I pleaded with the house--we will take care of you. I respect you.
At first, nothing changed--the dishwasher still ran at will, and the house creaked loudly all night. But slowly, slowly I think the house believed me. It liked the fish in the pond, the banana trees we planted, the floors we refinished. And somehow the appliances started behaving and the giant spiders left....But for a last hoorah--the furnace vents spit out a pair of black pants. Yes they did. Apparently someone lost their pants--in my vents.

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