So You Think Your Brain Will Always Be Awesome?

Dear Dingo:

The unspeakable happened again, one human unleashed rage and fire power upon innocent victims--for no apparent reason at all. We are left wondering about motive--why can't we understand?

Answer:

Your kind is plagued by the need for easy, easy answers to hard, hard questions-- categorizing complexity into easily digestible bits. Wouldn't it be nice to reduce the human condition into some sort of Batman movie where "good guys with guns" fight "bad guys with guns" ??  Ending happily ever ! Hurrah!

But I have news for you and your bipedal friends--the brain is neither good nor evil  (the audacity!) It is in fact, able to malfunction and fail just like an ordinary diseased kidney. It is also capable of carrying dark chambers and dislodged wiring.
Look around you--Perfectly "normal" people are walking around with suicidal thoughts, brain injuries, dementia, personality disorders, cognitive impairments, hallucinations or high on drugs.  Ha!

Sometimes these deficits are apparent, but more often than you care to know--they are not. And (brace yourself) it could even happen to you!!--You can't simply "test" someone as "sane or insane" or "good or bad"--because mentality is fluid by nature, psychopaths hide their psychopathy (duh, that's the definition), people take drugs and brain injuries occur in the blink of an eye. 

Now, if you want to "understand" a tragedy--- 1st wrap your little head around the thought that human brains are not perfect. They fail, they get damaged, traumatized and harbor deep disturbing thoughts. Firearms are dangerous because they are predictable killing machines operated by unpredictable brains. And if you can't legislate brains, might as well ban the guns....

Leave the Dogs Out of Your Spat!

Dear Dingo:
I assume a certain North Korean leader is calling our president's words "the sound of a dog barking" because he is annoying. However, a dog barking does not lead one into nuclear combat.  Annoying shrill or perceived threat--which one is it ?

Answer:
How curious that you are asking a dog her opinion on the matter....

First of all- There is nothing annoying about a dog barking. We are, in fact, conveying important community information, that you unilingual humans are too dim to interpret.

That said, dogs everywhere report feeling insulted for being associated with this "who is the craziest toddler at the playground" spat. If in fact, the president whom is allegedly barking were a real dog, he would be much more cool and collected --as is proper for an alpha leader. Not only that, no self respecting canine would lose sleep at 3:00 in the morning to rant about football and tweeting (even if we did have thumbs).

Get the Dotard a Dictionary

Dear Dingo:
I am worried. It seems that our Orange troll has really done it this time. 
Is the cheese loving lunatic of North Korea getting prepared to bomb the USA?
And why does a North Korean have a better grasp of English vocabulary than our dotard in chief?

Answer:
Amazing isn't it? 
We get stuck with covfefe, while the rogue leader of N. Korea manages to craft well written English prose.
Nevertheless,  his eloquent vocabulary might be a sign of a good thing. Perhaps he is not an impulsive whiskey drinking crazy man. Perhaps he will pause before  annihilating beautiful tropical islands and send some bibimbap over instead. Or how about launching a thesaurus or two at Washington?  At least the dialogue would improve. 

Welcome to Earth

Dear Dingo:
Why do so many people act  surprised, shocked and unprepared whenever there is a "natural"  disaster? 

Answer:
Because the feeble minded homo-erectus is unable to comprehend that the earth is a rock, traveling through space at 1,000 miles per hour (yes--you are in Star Wars!) Interestingly, your spaceship rock, also happens to be covered in water and filled with molten lava --thus causing all sorts of pesky volcanoes, storms, earthquakes and tsunamis. The animals expect all this --you just don't.

But never fear! To help you appreciate all sorts of disasters and stay vigilant,  the fracking industry is working hard to make earthquakes common place. Crappy soil managers and oil producers are ensuring that huge tropical storms increase, and your leader signed an executive order a month ago, revoking previous flooding regulations.  It's all for your own good you know---so get those jerry cans full of gas, strap on your life vest and stop complaining!

Is the World Ending

Dear Dingo:
I think life as we know it on earth is ending, where should I flee?

Answer:
I hear it is raining diamonds on your anus  Uranus ! Seriously---the atmosphere of Uranus creates showers of diamonds-- now doesn't that sound better than hurricane force winds?

Better Buy a Hovercraft

Dear Dingo:
How is it that the our presidential turnip can get away with calling a free press, especially those news outlets run by educated and award winning journalists-- as "fake". The last time I checked the dictionary, "fake" meant a forgery or hoax. The 'Onion' could be considered fake, but not CBS or the NY Times. Why isn't the entire nation outraged?

Answer:
Yes, yes-- up until very recently, the term "fake" was easy to determine, as in: "hungry babies agree -- silicone breasts are indeed fake as these vesicles are unable to facilitate lactation".

Now "fake news" is an extremely confusing topic. Let's look at the "fake" and "failing" NY Times as an example:
A recent "fake news" headline suggests the Tappan Zee Bridge has been reconstructed and set to open soon.
Now, as a reader of NYT "fake news", does one simply assume that there is in fact, no bridge, and this event is not happening? Has the article been written in jest as a piece of satire? Will your car fall into the Hudson? Yes, a very confusing time indeed.

"Real news"  apparently consists of unpresidented tweets, where one is to assume that the word "too" is now to be spelled as the word "to", and vice versa. With these confusing developments, there is simply not enough time in the day for national outrage. We must instead rewrite grammar books and map out new travel routes, avoiding those dastardly imaginary bridges invented by the fake NY Times. 

Conservatives Are Closet Evolutionists

Dear Dingo:
I recently read a crime story, that was unfortunately committed by a homosexual man. Out of curiosity, I scrolled to the 'comments' section. Instead of discussing the crime, the internet trolls could not stop themselves from commenting how the criminal was obviously: "a Clinton voter, typical sick liberal, etc.."
For the life of me, I can not understand what one isolated crime has to do with painting all liberals as crazy lunatics?

Answer:

Let me explain, by telling you about the crow. This glorious black bird lives in a complex society, made up mostly of extended family and friends. When one crow appears injured or just plain different, the other crows attack and kill it. They feel that the "different crow" will bring down their group and it must be eliminated. It is a simple animal urge, stemming from a struggle for daily existence and survival of their species.

Now replace the word "crow" with 'conservative'. Conservative creatures feel the weak, poor, new and 'different' must be hated and systematically destroyed. Especially the "weird" liberals and refugees. A conservative society consists only of strong, white and confident heterosexuals--the others require a good pecking.

This brings us to the true diabolical reason conservatives do not want schools teaching Darwin's theories. Their stinky think tanks don't believe in Creationism one bit. But they do know if kiddos figure out that conservative policy is nothing more than the same social engineering performed by apes, chickens and crows, their "great America" gig is up. After all,  if a crow and chicken is all it takes to write conservative legislation, they all will be out of their jobs...

Meet your future senator.